Call My Name if You're Afraid,

"I'm just a kiss away."

I'm so happy.

I could go on and on, but I'll save that for when I've gathered my thoughts a bit more. :)

Forgive Me, Please.

So, there's something I cannot grasp about relationships these days.

Personally, I think when you're thinking about being in a relationship or already are in a relationship with someone, you should be ready to give your whole heart to them. You should be willing to go to the ends of the Earth to be with them. Sure, dating around is cool, but when it comes down to it--what are you going to want a few years from now?

Now obviously, if you realize you're not with the right person, don't go giving your heart away to the wrong one. That's a bad idea. I've learned from many experiences.

My problem is what I just stated. I tend to put my faith into potential relationships really quickly. My hopes go soaring through the ceiling and I'm absolutely captivated by that person...and I'm ready to give my heart to them. As for my dilemma, my heart is way too big. I feel absolutely too much, I think too much, and I love too much.

I don't think these are bad things for me to do, but I certainly think they're bad things when I end up getting the short end of the stick when I put my heart and soul into something that I think could have been everything. I'm not saying I fall in love with every person I date, because that's certainly not true. If I don't feel that I can give a person my heart anymore, I let go--because that's not fair to me or them.

Here lately I've been getting the short end of the stick a LOT. It's getting tiring. Eventually someone will see what I have to offer, and embrace it, and love it. I've just got to find him. And I know, I know, that I probably won't find him soon--but for now it would be nice to just have someone's companionship and possibly affections. I do want to find Mr. Right. I want to love, and be loved in return. And that scares people. I get it. But I just can't seem to hold myself back. If I like you, I like you, and you're going to know it. All about it. Excuse me for being flat-out honest and open. I'm sorry that I can't halfway like you, and/or give you half of my heart. That's just not fair, or right, in my mind.

/ventover.

Razia's Shadow

"You can't change me, You can't have me"

I have so many dreams. SO many. I've changed my major to Theater, because music as a major has been beginning to turn music into something I hate--and I never wanted that. I know in my heart I could never hate Theater as a major, because I'm a techie. Theater has always been my job, and I've always been in love with it.

At the moment I'm listening to my favorite musical, Razia's Shadow (Thank you, Jared and Taylor for introducing me). I've always known I've wanted to work shows in Broadway, but upon listening to this musical once more, I've discovered my newest, and biggest dream.

I want to put this musical on Broadway. It won't work anywhere else, besides West End. The pit would have to be absolutely perfect, and with the help of Josh, I'll have the perfect set. The only thing left to find would be actors, and lord knows New York is chock full of them.

If you have any sort of appreciation for music, literature, and theater, buy the deluxe edition of the album on iTunes RIGHT NOW. That is $11.99 you will never regret spending. Then remember my name, because one day I will direct this masterpiece either on Broadway or West End in London. Hopefully West End.

On another note--

I'm somewhat planning a road trip to New York over spring break with a few friends of mine! All's that's left is to make sure my mother is alright with it, because with us splitting the cost, it's completely affordable. I feel like I'm being called to New York. There's this huge longing in my heart to just get there--I used to have no desire, but now that I have realized how important my relationship with the Theater is, I MUST GET THERE.

As far as expenses, I'm waitressing my way there. Come to Stromboli's and help me on my way? :P I appreciate every single tip I get and every cent my boss pays me. I really do like this new job :)

NYC, here I come.

Razia's Shadow, someday, you will be the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen.

A little something beautiful

That is all.

Dear My Never,

"This is my half-hearted Goodbye, the other half wants to still try, remembering words that you said."

Today I got over you. For good this time. I looked up at my picture mobile and saw the Polaroid of us at Waffle House on Cantrell Ave. in Little Rock--and for the first time after two months, I wasn't sad. I smiled at us. Who we used to be together. We were crazy, that's for sure.

The thing is, when I'm not strong, I think of you. I think of how you used to just look at me, even when I was trying to hide my insecurity/whatever was bothering me, and ask "What's up?" and I'd just let it out--and you understood. You were/are? the first and only? person who has ever understood me in such a way. I miss that. Like I said, I'm not sad anymore...just wistful?

"I'm not strong enough for the both of us, what was I supposed to do? You know I love you"

I miss you being my best friend, you never judged me, and always held me up when I needed you even though you never leaned on me.

I get flashbacks all the time. Especially from the day we met and the first date that followed. I'll never forget that sunset. I couldn't if I tried. I miss seeing you smile. I miss making you smile. I miss Alec and Taylor, too.

Of all things, I want to thank you. You taught me so much. Nobody else will ever sweep me off my feet the way you did, nor let me fall as hard. I crashed when you didn't catch me, broke into a million ugly pieces, and you still called me "beautiful" and did everything in your power to get me back on my feet. You are wonderful. I'm so sorry for the things I said when I was broken, You know I didn't mean it.

"But I guess we let go now

We'll be out on our own

How you always wanted this all out

But now I guess it's too late..."

It used to be that when I would say "I'll always love you" I meant that I didn't think I'd ever get over you. That you would always have my heart.

In a sense, you will always have my heart, but I am over you as in having you as a boyfriend. I'm not over my best friend. I can't lose you like that. Now when I say "I'll always love you" it is more in the sense of I want everything to work out for you. I want you to be happier than anyone else. This post was mostly inspired by the song that gave me the final closure after you told me that "It's over and we're friends :)", "Yours Truly" by Paradise Fears--I believe it expresses exactly what I need to express to you. Hence the reason I asked you to listen to it.

"But my one wish for you is that you find yourself,

don't settle for less or for anyone else.
I pray that you dream like the dreamer I know you can be."

Don't give up, Jared. I love you. Let's be best friends like we should be, kay? :)

Signed,

Yours Truly

August Rush

Oh my God.

For those of you who have seen the movie August Rush, you surely will understand this post if you know me well enough. For those of you who haven't, I urge you to go buy it. Not rent--buy. I got it at Walmart for $5.00 last night and I'm pretty sure it's the best five dollars I've ever spent.

As aforementioned, I'm a Music Major at UCA--that's about to change. I realized that being a music major is not what I need in life to do what I want to do. I've decided to change my major to Theater. There's just something about theater (Stagecraft/Tech in particular) that keeps pulling me back in, when at the moment I'm feeling like instead of Music being my escape, I've been trying to escape from it. Lessons, and Ear Training are hell. I can't stand it much longer. I've just got to stick out this semester as a Major. I'm not quitting/giving up on Music by any means...you'll see my point in more depth in a moment.

Back to August Rush. This movie is a beautiful creation on film. It is inspiring, and for me, it was absolutely heart-breaking. I had no doubts about changing my major before I saw it.

The main character is an orphan boy who is a musical prodigy (Evan/August)--he hears music everywhere. The way the film demonstrated this through picking out more particular sounds in the city (or wherever he was) and setting them to music, essentially. I hear like this all the time. I knew this film would be very touching just from the opening monologue:

"Listen. Can you hear it? The music. I can hear it everywhere. In the wind... in the air... in the light. It's all around us. All you have to do is open yourself up. All you have to do... is listen."

The thing about August is that he didn't know how to create the music he heard--and there is a scene where he gets his hands on a guitar for the first time. This scene isn't very far into the movie at all, but it was what got me started. I sobbed. The wonder in his eyes (even though he's an actor) was absolutely magical. The kind of magic I've always wanted to help kids discover.

I basically cried for the rest of the movie. It was very very personal to me. I can't explain it very eloquently.

After the movie ended, I needed to talk to someone, so I had my two friends named Josh call me :) There's Josh G--the music major, and Josh A--the theater major. The evil twins :P

Josh G and I decided to have lunch on Tuesday and talk about this in more detail, and Josh A decided to talk to me for probably two hours on the phone.

Josh A made me realize something.

"I'm not going to tell you to pick either one, or try to sway you towards the theater...but something you need to realize is that with Theater, you will never lose your music. You have so much passion for both of them, and as a Music major, you might lose Theater. Your musicianship would be perfect in the Theater. You don't have to give it up."

I'm not nearly as freaked out about changing my major anymore. He made a lot of sense to me. I will never lose my music, or my theater. Never.

When I'm older, I'm going to name my son August

Currently,

Life is insane, and beautiful as ever.

I just got back from fall break yesterday--back to the real world. Over break, I spent a lot of time with my dear friend Kimberly, got tattooed, and had tryouts for Bearly Contained Winter Guard.

I am beyond happy. I spent at least 3 hours total crying this weekend. Ask anyone I know--I don't really cry. I don't let things get to me, as much as I talk about being vulnerable and feeling things, I block sadness. That's something I'm working on--because I feel so much better after just letting it out. Like I said, beyond happy.

Hope is what I hold as the highest virtue a person can have. If you have hope, you can do anything, you can have everything: the world is your oyster. My tattoo I got over break stands for hope, as a simple explanation. "Kings and Queens" by Thirty Seconds to Mars is my favorite song, because it is a musical masterpiece, and it is my anthem of hope. Therefore, I got the "We are the kings and queens" along with an owl because I love owls--I just admire them as creatures, and the red ribbon and key symbolizes the mystery of life. You never know what's next, and you hold the key to all you can do. Cheesy, maybe, but it's something I have to remind myself quite often. The tattoo turned out beautifully. I am so happy with it.

I love my life, through the toils and joys, through everything. I wouldn't wish for anything else, or anyone else. It's not easy, but I don't want it to be. I just want to be me, because that's all I can do.

More Tolstoy Musings

"He would go to his study, lie down, and again be alone with It: face to face with It. And nothing could be done with It except to look at it & shudder."

Something I'm learning right now in life is that we have to face things.

I've been having very vivid, symbolic, & terrifying nightmares over the past three days. After some research, I've discovered that the best interpretation of these dreams is that I am running at full speed away from a certain problem of mine.

Worry. In my dreams, I'm running from what I see as a demon or evil creature.

I run as fast as I can,

stop to catch my breath,

& there it is again.

My worry.

It has enormous claws,

& when I look down at my right arm, the five long gashes down the length of it shock me,

& remind me to run again.

The only time I stop & face it is when it comes near my friends. As soon as I step between this worry & my friends, they run, but it doesn't.

This is terrifying to me.

To be alone with worry.

To be alone with me.

I've realized I have to face It though,

& I'm working on it.

For now,

"Nothing [can] be done with It except to look at it and shudder."

Oct. 18, 2011

The Death of Ivan Ilyich

"Ivan Ilyich's life had been most simple and most ordinary, and therefore most terrible."

Tolstoy, you are a genius. This is exactly the way I see things. Thank you, World lit II.

I have chosen to be a music major, despite the fact that everyone tells me "it won't be easy".

I don't want it to be easy, or simple, OR ordinary.

Life is FAR too short for "ordinary".

The only thing that I want to be "simple" in my life will be the love between my future husband and I. And even then, I want it to be complex, frightening, and beautifully intricate in every way. But it will be simply natural for us to feel that way about one another.

I cannot think of a worse fate than for me to die and have people say, "Well, she had a good life."

I want people to say,

"Damn, she really lived"

Something very important to me are my dreams. I have my head in other galaxies, my hopes are so high. Just so you all understand the extent of this dream I have, I suppose I should tell you.

I want to create a music institute in Africa, or a country like it. I want to bring the opportunity to learn more about music, & the chance to become a musician to those who probably have never even seen a violin before.

I want to start something bigger than just myself,

I want to change the world,

& that is the only what I know how.

Disclaimer:

I KNOW IT'S CRAZY,

I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY,

& I KNOW I WILL never be rich,

or live a super comfortable life.

but

I do not care.

I am confident that I could do this & not even miss the comforts of middle-class America. If it means I change the world, even in the slightest, it will be worth it.

For me, music is hope. My rescue.
I want that hope to be reachable for everyone.

Consider this the launch of my dream, my change:

Hope Infinite: Music for everyone.

I'm ambitious, that's for sure, but definitely not in the way most people my age are. Money doesn't matter when I could change a life besides my own. When I accomplish this, not only will I be one of the happiest people on Earth, but so will TONS of kids.

Don't try to stop me now, you'll regret it when this does something you couldn't even dream of trying.

Magical

Lately I've realized a few things. A few things that I've known all along, really--I've just become more aware of them in the past few days.

Life

is absolutely

magical.

I went to Deas Vail's CD release show last night at the Rev Room (they just released their self-titled album, go get it on Amazon for $3.99!!! A total steal! It's worth SO much more). The show was something I'll never forget--one moment in particular actually. They were playing "Shoreline" (in the playlist -->) and after the song was over, Wes, the lead vocalist, kept singing a cappella. I felt like I was witnessing an inexplicably intimate moment between himself and his voice. I will never forget the way he sang then, he was just so into it that it brought me to tears. I'm still in awe. I wish everyone on Earth could have heard it the way I did.

I'm extremely inspired after this weekend. I went to the Cabot Invitational Marching Contest, and it was an absolute joy. It made me confident that I can one day coach a color-guard successfully, since I could've helped out a few of the high schools present at the contest. The marching contest was just really cool to go to--to see where I'd come from. When so much is going on up here at UCA, I tend to forget.

The same night, Andrea and I went to see the Arkansas Symphony Orchestra perform the music of John Williams with her mother and some other friends. The one moment in that concert that really struck me was when they performed the music from Schindler's List. I've never been a fan of the violin, but again--I was brought to tears by the pure musicality and musicianship displayed by the feature violinist Saturday night. It was outstanding.

Sunday was just a really great day in general--and I'm not trying to turn this post into a narrative of my life this weekend, it ties in, I assure you. All I did was laundry and hung out with my family until I headed back to UCA, where I watched Boondock Saints with Jared. Phenomenal movie, by the way, even though they shoot a cat. I highly recommend it.

Back to the point. I realized that life is absolutely magical.

Music saves me. Lately it's been feeling like a chore, since it's my major and I'm having to learn so much of the technique behind it and study so much, not to mention practicing. This weekend made me open my eyes again to how much I really love music. It is what makes me who I am, in all honesty. There's not a day I go without music, or even talking about music. It's all that I could ever need in life. I could be homeless, as long as I had a guitar or something. I'll always have my voice if all else fails.

I get absolutely...lost in the moment when I listen to music. Nothing matters. Especially when I'm performing, it's just me and my instrument (whichever one it may be). When I sing I feel absolutely free--it is my ultimate form of expression, and when it's jazz, it's even better. I cannot begin to explain the full extent of my point of view towards music. Simply put, I love it. So much. I love it like I love my family, it is the closest and best friend I have, and it will never leave me.

Never.

On the subject of friends, mine are the best. Plain and simple. First off, there's my twin, Mareena. She is amazing, and my sanity. We are absolutely hysterical when we are together, and I do miss her so. I CANNOT WAIT TO LIVE WITH HER NEXT YEAR. OH MY GOD.

Secondly, there's Jared--he's the best friend I've made at UCA, and I really can't imagine what these past few months would have been like without him, or what my life now would be like without him. We're ridiculously silly, and understand each other on such a close level. Nobody knows me like he does. Then there's Tessa, my amazing roomie and BFF. I know I've said it before, but I love her so much, she's really wonderful and somehow knows just what to say when I'm talking crazy :P. Aside from individuals, everyone else in my life is amazing. I would never wish to have never met anyone of them. Hence another reason why I'm believing in the fact that life is magical. With the people I know, and are coming to know, how could life not be? I'm blessed, really. Priveleged.

I find it funny that I've decided on the adjective "magical". For my generation, our lives really are magical--being heavily influenced by Harry Potter and all :P We are the dreamers. We are unstoppable.

I have the most exciting future ahead of me. I dare you to try and stop me. I dare you.

2:53am, and NO-ONE to talk to.

So, the title of this post pretty much says it all.

I can't sleep.

I'm home for the weekend, which is great, I'm getting to see so many people I love and my dearest feline familiar. I have missed this cat so much. But I cannot sleep--there is far too much on my mind.

I've had a great day. My classes were canceled, I did great in lessons and BMB rehearsal, and had a pleasant trip home with Tessa, AND got to hang out with Andrea and Josh (two people I hardly ever have the chance to spend quality time with anymore). It was AWESOME. But the thing is, I had a big let-down.

I'm talking to someone, as in sort-of dating. Seeing someone, I guess you could say. The thing is, there's so much going on in his life that it's stressing him out to the point that he has to find time to even text me. I stopped by Starbucks with Andrea to see him for a fe

w minutes tonight, and it was absolutely wonderful to see his face. As we were leaving, he told me he'd text me--so I was expecting to see him again tonight. I never got a text. In short--I'm really disappointed. This isn't the first time this has happened. Every moment that we actually get to spend time together is really great, there are almost no words for it. The problem is that I feel like we haven't even really started a relationship and I'm having to fight for a single moment with him. I'm beginning to give up on something that could've been everything. I hate the feeling of losing hope.

And that's where I am.

I'm starting to lose hope in the fact that not everyone is going to disappoint me. Ever since I've moved to Conway, I've met such amazing people and then *something*

goes wrong and I end up in this same spot.

I'm starting to lose hope in the thought of anyone ever wanting to marry me ever again. It's trivial, really--but I've got a feeling that I'm just going to be the old cat lady when all my friends are incandescently happy with the loves of their lives.

It's days like this that I think of Jeff. He is my hope. In all honesty, he really is. I posted this on his Facebook wall about a year and a week after he passed, and it still rings true today.

When I feel like there's no hope, I think of Jeff. For him, there was always hope. Because of him, there is always hope. I cannot wait to see him again someday. What I wouldn't give to do the Jeff dance with him again. He is my guardian angel, and what keeps me going through everything going on in my life. Words cannot describe how much he means to me, because when no-one else is there to talk to at 3 in the morning, Jeff is.

I would say I'm sorry for such an emotional (whiny?) post, but I'm really not. I do this for my own sanity. I feel tons better, and tons worse. Emotions are my prized possession and my enemy. I will never stop feeling.

On that note--I had a really deep conversation with Josh tonight just sitting in his driveway since I was feeling down. He made me re-recognize the fact that I really do lack the ability to build walls up against my emotions. People can read me like a book. Some more than others, and sometimes I need those few who really get me to tell me what's going on inside my own head. Is it crazy? Probably. Do I care anymore? No.

As a brief ending-- I'm inexplicably happy with my life, despite the current circumstances. I couldn't ask for more.

Carpe Vitam

"sleep well, my friend, there will be another moment, we'll meet again"

Mayday Parade--(their new album is superb, by the way)

Philosophy Post #1

Chapter 1

Philosophy of Religion, & how I found mine.

So here at UCA, I've been taking a Philosophy class (which just so happens to be my favorite class). Right now we are in the Philosophy of Religion--and I have figured out some things that were nagging at my brain for awhile now.

I never thought religion in the south was quite right, especially in Cabot. College has definitely shown me that I was right--it really isn't right. There is so much corruption in churches here...don't even get me started. Before I get into this huge post though, I need to make things clear:

1. I'm going to be posting a lot about philosophy here now, it's really inspiring and thought provoking to me. When I title something "Philosophy Post #whatever" I'm basically saying "This is congruent to a discussion board, please leave comments and TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!" I cannot explain the importance of your feedback. Without feedback and discussion, this is just me blabbering on about my views on things to (figuratively) a wall. I have 34 followers--some of you must have an opinion somewhere down deep inside.

2. About feedback, please only offer intelligent responses. If you're going to tell me I'm wrong--back it up. I've learned a LOT about arguments and how to find & destroy bad ones. Not saying that I'm right about everything, just that I don't want things like "YOU DEVIL WORSHIPPER" in my comments because that's just hateful and would fully prove that you haven't really read & digested my post.

3. Things I talk about in Philosophy posts will not agree with the beliefs of the general public. Just as a warning.

SO now that housekeeping is done, let's get down to it--

I am a Pantheist.

Pantheism-the doctrine that God is the transcendent reality of whichthe material universe and human beings are onlymanifestations: it involves a denial of God's personality andexpresses a tendency to identify God and nature.

(dictionary.com)

In English-- God is nature. He is all around us and identified as the universe itself.

(myself)

More specifically, I believe that God created the universe, but he is also a part of it. He is the life.

I can see things in nature, even my own hands, and honestly say I have seen God. There are some things that are just too beautiful to just be a natural process. I believe God is a supernatural being who is within and part of the natural world (i.e: Identified as the universe itself).

When I was a child, probably 9 or 10 years old, I was in the car with my Pa-Buddy (grandpa) and my little brother. We were coming back to my grandparent's house, and it was nearing sunset. The dying sunlight cast upon all of the trees made them the most brilliant green I had ever seen at the time, ethereal emeralds. Just as an observation, I said "Green must be God's favorite color, because it is everywhere" and my Pa-Buddy just started smiling and said "from the mouths of babes!" and I remember being extremely confused at the time, but I understand it now. From my point of view, God has always been an intrinsic part of the world we live in.

That is a memory that has never left me. The only place I have ever seen that brilliant green again was on Highway 25, at sunset. Coincidentally this is only a few minutes from where I was when I was a child and saw it. I'll never forget how vivid it was.

Let me make one thing clear, if it hasn't been clear enough. Pantheism is a completely and totally different belief than Atheism. Atheists believe that God truly does not exist. The way I view Pantheism--I can find God in anything I see. I'm just separate from organized religion for personal reasons.

Within the past two or three years, I had come to realize I didn't agree with a lot of what "Christians" here in the south believe. I stopped identifying myself with them a long time ago. I still believe that a man named Jesus died for our sins. I still believe he saved me, and that there is a heaven. I just do not believe that God sits up there and watches us all the time. He is part of us, and our world.

I love going to church, but not just any church. A genuine one. I need to find one of those. It's seemingly impossible to me, at least in Arkansas. I want to go somewhere where I will truly believe the person preaching, and it won't just be me who believes them. I want to go somewhere where people listen, and develop their own opinions on the beliefs of the preacher. I want to go somewhere where people are really getting the message. Which raises the question of "how many people will believe that you really have the conviction in what you believe?"

I'm Spiritual, not Religious--but if I have to pick one, I'm a Pantheist, and quite proud of it.
Please let me know what you think :))

So I've Been kindof absent...

Because I'm in

COLLEGE!

Life here at UCA is so amazing. I have so much freedom, and I'm surrounded by mostly intelligent people! /bliss

Being a Music Major is definitely a pressing study. It is not easy. It's not going to be. Same with Color-Guard, but I wouldn't trade either of them for anything else. I am absolutely loving learning more about these things I'm passionate about rather than wasting my life away in a High School classroom learning things I won't ever use again. My Harmony & Piano Classes are really quite simple, I'm doing well in them. Ear Training, on the other hand, is difficult. I do not like sight-singing.

Here at UCA, I have learned so much already, met people I will never forget, found new dreams to take on, and it's hardly been a month. College life is really something unforgettable. I have so much more freedom to create and let my inspiration flow than in High School. I absolutely love it. I'm already looking forward to getting an apartment next year with my dearest twin, Mareena, & our best friend Jacob (& possibly Chelsea). Dorm life isn't bad, just not something I want to do after this year x).

I've got to get this new layout thing going soon, I wanted to wait until after I cut my hair off (which I love--short hair rules) to put up the new pictures and all, and now I just have to find time to get the pictures I'm wanting. I'm going to change the color scheme and all after I post this and just remove the header for now. :) (pointless thinking aloud for all my followers)

As aforementioned, I have met some unforgettable people here at college.

The UCA Color Guard: You girls are amazing. Every single one of you (including Alex). You inspire me every day to be my best and never settle for less than what I know I can be in every aspect of my life. The rehearsals are brutal, and they're just going to get harder as the season goes on, but I know it will be worth it in every way when we show that crowd who we are. We are the UCA BMB Color Guard, and we are the best in the state. I could never hate or stay mad at any of you, and I hate to see you fight amongst yourselves--You are my family, and I love you all.

To my newest Best Friend, Jared Browner.

You are the sweetest human alive. I love that you and I can just go anywhere, no matter where, and have a great time. Our conversations make me feel like I'm not crazy x). You get me. You're so intelligent, and humble--I admire so many things about you. I'm so happy we are going to be such close friends :) You are a gift to the world. You're going to do amazing things, I know it. I'll always let you know where to find me, just incase you need me down the road. I'll always be here for you. Oh and Taylor Roper is a cool cat, as well :)

My Roommate, Tessa:
So I didn't meet you here, but I thought I'd take the time to let you know I love you, and you're an awesome roommate! BFF :)))

"An Angel's Sleeping Galaxy"

Something I drew :)

New Layout Coming Soon!

Hey everyone, I've gotten quite tired of the design for my blog lately...I've had it that way over a year now...and plus I don't have that much hair anymore. In the next few days I plan to completely re-vamp the site and give it a more updated personal touch. :) Still Life Through Lenses, but a new edition (limited, if you will).

But speaking of new layouts, just about everything in my life is getting a "new layout". I'm going to COLLEGE :D /squeal. I'm moving in on Sunday, August 14th, and cannot wait. The fact that I'm going to school specifically for music really excites me. Tessa and I are going to have the cutest room ever :).

About two weeks ago, I spent some money at Barnes & Noble and invested in a Moleskine notebook...something I have coveted for years, and finally gave into buying myself one. I LOVE IT. I carry it everywhere, and with everything that has been going on lately, I have had so much inspiration that I am definitely filling this notebook with things that have needed to come out of my mind for months. I'm writing again, it feels wonderful. Poetry is coming back to me, and I feel like I'm breathing again. The oppression of writer's block is GONE.

I'm going to start a semi-private blog, the only link to it will be on a sidebar of this one, and it's going to be called "The Moleskine Output" and I'm going to put some of my writings from my dear notebook in it, but beware, it will be explicit, and it may hurt people's feelings. Hence the reason this is the only time I'll mention it.

For now, I'm off to write some more, then to bed. Thanks for putting up with my craziness, you guys all rock.

"Your life, little girl, is an empty page for somebody to write on"

"To write on"

Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is trying to run my life for me. Like I am insignificant to those who say they care about me most. What about what I want for my life?

Wouldn't my opinion count for something in that case?

I feel quite trapped, honestly.

By work, school, relationships. I feel like I escaped one kind of pressure just to jump into a whole new wave of it, when that isn't what I wanted in the least.

If blogging wasn't such a wonderful form of catharsis to me, I would just quit for awhile. I appreciate all of my followers, but sometimes I feel like I have to censor myself, when I really don't.

Point being-- I really cannot wait to get out of Cabot. Once I'm in Conway, all I need to do is eat, sleep, band...&my other classes. I'll actually probably be blogging more b/c at this point, I feel like hermit-ing just so people might let me live my own life, or lack thereof.

"I am seventeen, going on eighteen,"

I'll take care of myself.

Written a few days ago...just got around to posting it.

Crazy Beautiful Life

Here lately

my life has been downright crazy.

Everything that has been going on seems like it makes no sense to people on the outside, but to me, and a select few, it makes perfect sense.

As my dear friend (& apparent muse), Emily Henard, said,

"The adventure doesn't start until everything goes wrong."

I realized I have to figure myself out before I get serious with anybody. Jake and I aren't together anymore, but we are still going to be the best of friends. As most of my readers have probably realized, I'm always a bit "at-war" with myself. I am always questioning my sanity, my future, and generally everything about myself. I have a lot of issues with keeping hope for myself alive. I am thoroughly amazed at the fact that even though I have said issues, one song gets me through it. "Kings and Queens" by 30 Seconds to Mars. It's like an anthem. It speaks straight to my heart, and on my 18th birthday I'm getting a lyric from it as a tattoo...reminding me to keep my hope alive. One day I hope to meet Jared Leto and thank him in person for his music. They truly inspire me.

Building on my last post,

"I love love, I love being in love, I don't care what it does to me."

Story of my life. I enjoy being happy, even if only for a little while, and I'm extremely happy at the moment. h8ers gonna h8.

Even though the ship sinks,

You know you

can't

let

go.

"Barnacles" by Ugly Casanova. It's in my playlist.

I've discovered that I have a freakish tendency to love. I love a LOT of things, tons of people.

I love. It's what I do. (Don't take that the wrong way).

Whether or not if a certain person has been in my life for a very short or very long amount of time, I've found that I find something to love about them.

I got my letter to myself from AGS back the other day, and it just made me break down. I was so happy. I didn't let myself down. It was a very fulfilling experience, reading what I had hoped for myself and knowing that I've come out of high school right where I wanted to be. Let me copy-pasta this part here...:P

I hope you remember hitting your head on the cieling.

I hope you are still as inspired as you were here.

I hope you remember who you are.

I hope you thank everyone, for everything.

I hope you're still finding more things to l.o.v.e. about life.

I hope you're still learning more music.

I hope you still see the beauty in everyone.

I hope you remember the talent show.

I hope you remember what Gerry Gibson told you.

I hope you change, but only to improve.

I hope you still care.

I hope you still dance.

I hope you still cry.

I hope you smile.

I hope you know what living is.

I hope you miss me.

I hope you remember this.

Remember AGS, and smile, please.

I do, former self, I do.

And though it was really clear to me then that I "see the beauty in everyone", I lost sight of that, but not in the sense that I just started hating people, but that I just stopped actively noticing that I do it.

I'm always talking about things I hate about myself. Things that bother me. My bad habits. Stuff like that. But this is a bit of self-praise I suppose.

I adore the fact that I can find something beautiful within anyone. Even my enemies...I don't really have huge enemies, but you know those people that just annoy you? I know there's still some good in them. I love them for something. Nobody is worthless. Everyone has something beautiful inside of them. Most of us are just very rough around the edges.

As for my capacity for love, I absolutely hate it and love it at the same time. I love the people in my life, SO much. I cannot imagine life without them, and the thought is just terrifying. I never want to lose any of you. The world wouldn't shine as bright without you. I learned that one from Jeff. Hence the reason I walk through life every day with a smile, and try to think about making people happy.

Lately I haven't been so good at that. I hurt someone, and I cannot explain how sorry I am for that. I was way too into my own life for a bit there. I never want to hurt you, ever. I love you.

As for another person...I would call you an "almost" (read way back into the posts...way way back if you don't know what I'm talking about), but honestly, that isn't appropriate for you. We may have never dated, but we had a relationship. Nothing that I can explain to anyone else. You are one of those people who I will love no matter what. I want nothing more for you than for you to be happy. I want you to find, pursue, and catch your dreams someday. I want you to live in bliss. Promise to keep smiling, please.

I love.

It's what I do.

A little sparkly.

Rests on my hand.

A pearl in the center, set in silver, with little diamonds on the band.

I was promised a proposal today, and I accepted that eventual proposal.

I've promised that one day, I'll say "yes" when he asks.

One day.

I am so glad he's home <3

I'm not crazy,

I'm just a little unwell.

I know, right now you can't tell.

What am I feeling? I guess the word would be distraught. Someone I love is dying. For that person's sake, I can't say who. It's in the family...don't worry, none of anyone's friends are in danger.

I haven't seen this person in about 2-3 years. I had my reasons, but those reasons evaporated so I thought nothing of it really, until earlier this week when I found out that if I don't go to see this person this weekend, I'll probably never see them again.

I feel like crap, to say the least. I wish this wasn't happening. The part that really gets me is that this person still has a hand-print I left on their mirror when I was just old enough to remember doing it, circled in red and labeled "samantha".

They cared about me, and I didn't care enough to keep up with them enough to know that they had bone cancer. My own family.

I. feel. like. the. biggest. jerk.

because I am.

I live to be inspired.

& to inspire.

Lately, I've been paying a lot of attention to a friend/aquaintance of mine, Emily Henard. She is just brilliant, really. She's been taking pictures of the simplest things, and they're all absolutely beautiful. Nearly ethereal. She also wrote this quote, that I'm not sure if it belongs to a poem or anything, but it is absolutely beautiful:

"I can feel the wings of the butterflies sticking to my throat as I try to expel them from my stomach. They leave such an odd coating of black on my lips, but it makes for a beautiful lipstick."

I couldn't tell you why, but I found that to be one of the most inspiring things I've ever heard. The image that it placed in my head was absolutely gorgeous, and hopefully she and I will bring

that image to life soon :)

&&Now that I've made myself sound like a TOTAL creeper........I can't help it. She really is BRILLIANT. You all should read her blog, "Owls in Trees".

Referring to the title of this blog, I really do live to be inspired. As selfish as that sounds, I would probably do anything to be inspired to create something. To write, to make music, to take pictures...because without inspiration, it's just simply empty to me. I cannot take pictures (at least not good ones) without any inspiration in me. Thankfully, usually just by looking at a person I can *be* inspired. The thing is, that person has to be comfortable enough with me to show me who they really are and how I can express that through a picture. & I cannot simply just take awesome pictures of nature, or architecture, unless I have inspiration to do so--otherwise, I just

get bored.

THANKFULLY, I've been very inspired thanks to miss emily, and some good music, and my life in general lately.

Something I'm working towards--Living to inspire.

Right now, I'm just living my own life. It's okay for me to depend on other things and people to

create inspiration for me, the way I see it. Soon, I'll be an adult. That's part of why I want to be a band director, because music inspires me, and teaching music inspires other people in the next generation. I'm really excited, but honestly it will take some work. There is an aspect of selflessness in teaching, and I think without that aspect, you cannot be a good teacher. People don't teach to make good money, at least not in America. Everyone knows that. People teach because it makes them feel more important.

To me, it would be living to inspire others...and that is everything I could ever ask for. To know I mattered to someone's inspiration, their creativity.

For now, inspire me, and I'll do my best to return the favor.

&&this is what I dream about.

We sing at night

Because we are

b

e

a

u

t

i

f

u

l.

I am amazed at the way inspiration can hit at the most unlikely of times.

I wrote this after running to the drive-thru window to get paper and pencil from Mareena. I've been sitting in Taylor's truck for about 30 minutes, and I just realized, that at 10:19pm, the birds were

singing.

I'm not sure if that happens a lot, but I have never heard a bird sing at night before.

I wondered why they would be, but then i turned that thought around and wondered,

Why wouldn't they be?

They are beautiful.

I could listen to their sweet, undulating, twitter-jargon all night, if not forever.

They have always been a huge inspiration to me, songbirds have.

They are free.

The definition of free is something difficult, but I believe if there were a way to determine its meaning, a wild songbird would do.

Even when the world is dark, muggy, and polluted, they still sing.

Right at the edge of the McDonald's parking lot.

I am simply amazed.

The cars, the halogen street lamps, and paved roads are non-existant to me right now.

I might as well be in paradise.

Laying in the back of a beat-up pickup, writing, and completely free of worry.

I wish I had heard them before tonight.

I wish I were a bird.

There's not very many perfect moments in my life, but for those twenty minutes that those birds sang, nothing could touch me. I was as free as one of them.

Life is amazing. All of it.