Even though the ship sinks,

You know you

can't

let

go.

"Barnacles" by Ugly Casanova. It's in my playlist.

I've discovered that I have a freakish tendency to love. I love a LOT of things, tons of people.

I love. It's what I do. (Don't take that the wrong way).

Whether or not if a certain person has been in my life for a very short or very long amount of time, I've found that I find something to love about them.

I got my letter to myself from AGS back the other day, and it just made me break down. I was so happy. I didn't let myself down. It was a very fulfilling experience, reading what I had hoped for myself and knowing that I've come out of high school right where I wanted to be. Let me copy-pasta this part here...:P

I hope you remember hitting your head on the cieling.

I hope you are still as inspired as you were here.

I hope you remember who you are.

I hope you thank everyone, for everything.

I hope you're still finding more things to l.o.v.e. about life.

I hope you're still learning more music.

I hope you still see the beauty in everyone.

I hope you remember the talent show.

I hope you remember what Gerry Gibson told you.

I hope you change, but only to improve.

I hope you still care.

I hope you still dance.

I hope you still cry.

I hope you smile.

I hope you know what living is.

I hope you miss me.

I hope you remember this.

Remember AGS, and smile, please.

I do, former self, I do.

And though it was really clear to me then that I "see the beauty in everyone", I lost sight of that, but not in the sense that I just started hating people, but that I just stopped actively noticing that I do it.

I'm always talking about things I hate about myself. Things that bother me. My bad habits. Stuff like that. But this is a bit of self-praise I suppose.

I adore the fact that I can find something beautiful within anyone. Even my enemies...I don't really have huge enemies, but you know those people that just annoy you? I know there's still some good in them. I love them for something. Nobody is worthless. Everyone has something beautiful inside of them. Most of us are just very rough around the edges.

As for my capacity for love, I absolutely hate it and love it at the same time. I love the people in my life, SO much. I cannot imagine life without them, and the thought is just terrifying. I never want to lose any of you. The world wouldn't shine as bright without you. I learned that one from Jeff. Hence the reason I walk through life every day with a smile, and try to think about making people happy.

Lately I haven't been so good at that. I hurt someone, and I cannot explain how sorry I am for that. I was way too into my own life for a bit there. I never want to hurt you, ever. I love you.

As for another person...I would call you an "almost" (read way back into the posts...way way back if you don't know what I'm talking about), but honestly, that isn't appropriate for you. We may have never dated, but we had a relationship. Nothing that I can explain to anyone else. You are one of those people who I will love no matter what. I want nothing more for you than for you to be happy. I want you to find, pursue, and catch your dreams someday. I want you to live in bliss. Promise to keep smiling, please.

I love.

It's what I do.

A little sparkly.

Rests on my hand.

A pearl in the center, set in silver, with little diamonds on the band.

I was promised a proposal today, and I accepted that eventual proposal.

I've promised that one day, I'll say "yes" when he asks.

One day.

I am so glad he's home <3

I'm not crazy,

I'm just a little unwell.

I know, right now you can't tell.

What am I feeling? I guess the word would be distraught. Someone I love is dying. For that person's sake, I can't say who. It's in the family...don't worry, none of anyone's friends are in danger.

I haven't seen this person in about 2-3 years. I had my reasons, but those reasons evaporated so I thought nothing of it really, until earlier this week when I found out that if I don't go to see this person this weekend, I'll probably never see them again.

I feel like crap, to say the least. I wish this wasn't happening. The part that really gets me is that this person still has a hand-print I left on their mirror when I was just old enough to remember doing it, circled in red and labeled "samantha".

They cared about me, and I didn't care enough to keep up with them enough to know that they had bone cancer. My own family.

I. feel. like. the. biggest. jerk.

because I am.

I live to be inspired.

& to inspire.

Lately, I've been paying a lot of attention to a friend/aquaintance of mine, Emily Henard. She is just brilliant, really. She's been taking pictures of the simplest things, and they're all absolutely beautiful. Nearly ethereal. She also wrote this quote, that I'm not sure if it belongs to a poem or anything, but it is absolutely beautiful:

"I can feel the wings of the butterflies sticking to my throat as I try to expel them from my stomach. They leave such an odd coating of black on my lips, but it makes for a beautiful lipstick."

I couldn't tell you why, but I found that to be one of the most inspiring things I've ever heard. The image that it placed in my head was absolutely gorgeous, and hopefully she and I will bring

that image to life soon :)

&&Now that I've made myself sound like a TOTAL creeper........I can't help it. She really is BRILLIANT. You all should read her blog, "Owls in Trees".

Referring to the title of this blog, I really do live to be inspired. As selfish as that sounds, I would probably do anything to be inspired to create something. To write, to make music, to take pictures...because without inspiration, it's just simply empty to me. I cannot take pictures (at least not good ones) without any inspiration in me. Thankfully, usually just by looking at a person I can *be* inspired. The thing is, that person has to be comfortable enough with me to show me who they really are and how I can express that through a picture. & I cannot simply just take awesome pictures of nature, or architecture, unless I have inspiration to do so--otherwise, I just

get bored.

THANKFULLY, I've been very inspired thanks to miss emily, and some good music, and my life in general lately.

Something I'm working towards--Living to inspire.

Right now, I'm just living my own life. It's okay for me to depend on other things and people to

create inspiration for me, the way I see it. Soon, I'll be an adult. That's part of why I want to be a band director, because music inspires me, and teaching music inspires other people in the next generation. I'm really excited, but honestly it will take some work. There is an aspect of selflessness in teaching, and I think without that aspect, you cannot be a good teacher. People don't teach to make good money, at least not in America. Everyone knows that. People teach because it makes them feel more important.

To me, it would be living to inspire others...and that is everything I could ever ask for. To know I mattered to someone's inspiration, their creativity.

For now, inspire me, and I'll do my best to return the favor.

&&this is what I dream about.

We sing at night

Because we are

b

e

a

u

t

i

f

u

l.

I am amazed at the way inspiration can hit at the most unlikely of times.

I wrote this after running to the drive-thru window to get paper and pencil from Mareena. I've been sitting in Taylor's truck for about 30 minutes, and I just realized, that at 10:19pm, the birds were

singing.

I'm not sure if that happens a lot, but I have never heard a bird sing at night before.

I wondered why they would be, but then i turned that thought around and wondered,

Why wouldn't they be?

They are beautiful.

I could listen to their sweet, undulating, twitter-jargon all night, if not forever.

They have always been a huge inspiration to me, songbirds have.

They are free.

The definition of free is something difficult, but I believe if there were a way to determine its meaning, a wild songbird would do.

Even when the world is dark, muggy, and polluted, they still sing.

Right at the edge of the McDonald's parking lot.

I am simply amazed.

The cars, the halogen street lamps, and paved roads are non-existant to me right now.

I might as well be in paradise.

Laying in the back of a beat-up pickup, writing, and completely free of worry.

I wish I had heard them before tonight.

I wish I were a bird.

There's not very many perfect moments in my life, but for those twenty minutes that those birds sang, nothing could touch me. I was as free as one of them.

Life is amazing. All of it.

People.

This is for the people who have been/are in my life.

Not everyone, just everyone I'm thinking of right now.

you.

You make me sad. I miss being friends with you. The guy I used to know SO well. We were seriously best friends. Now you're so into your little bitty group of friends all going to the college 10 minutes down the road that it's like I don't even exist. I don't care if that sounds selfish, at least I don't act like a jerk to people who used to be my closest friends. I think it's really sad that I can say that truthfully. You used to be an inspiration to me, and now when I think of you, you simply make me sad. I wish you the best. I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people you're perfectly fine with leaving behind after high school, and well, even though you were his best friend, I don't feel like I need you around to keep his memory alive for me. You will be missed, every now and then.

These two girls I knew.

We were best friends. We wreaked havoc, drove around singing at the top of our lungs, and just had a freaking blast together. I wish you wanted more for yourselves. I wish the fact that I want more for you than you do didn't piss you off so much. I wish you didn't drift away from me. Maybe that was my fault, too, but when I feel as if you don't really care to talk to anyone besides each other in the aforementioned small group of friends you have...I felt more unwelcome in your lives than anything. To one of you, I hope you learn that you're really not all that one day. I hope you can put your chin down a little bit, and see where you really are in your life. To the other one, I still think you're in there somewhere. Come on back.

You two make me sad, too.

This one guy who lives in Texas :P

He is crazy, not literally, but he's goofy and awesome. I love that we have started talking again, and your creativity is absolutely inspiring. I want to always be that person you can come to. I want you to know I will always be your friend, and if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here (as well as I can be).

These two guys I work with.

GOD I love you to death! Some days I don't know what I would do without you :P One of you is just silly, and fun to be around all the time, and is one of the best friends I could ask for! The other more introspective and deep, but still silly and an amazing friend...and memory. I will never forget the both of you. You're both so special :)

I've noticed that my happy posts about these people are a lot shorter...apparently I'm not that great at showing appreciation, but really awesome at expressing disappointment.. x) I promise, I enjoy the happy much more than the sad/disappointment. They know how I feel. haha.

AND MAH GIRLS.

To all of you, since there's a LOT. I love you, that is all. You really do keep me sane.

You...the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I thought I would never refer to a single person as that. You have changed...everything...and I would never take it back. I love you. You are my hero. I cannot wait until you come home.

22 days