6 month mindf**k.

I cannot believe so much has happened in the last six months alone.  It has been insane. Crazy. Stupid. Absolutely stupid.  I remember certain songs, certain people, bridges burned, and new ones built.  I hate to see what I did to some people. Two in particular, Devin and Dylan. I can never be sorry enough for what happened between us. That's all that's really hitting me at the moment. Devin moreso. Because I know he'll never speak to me again because of this huge misunderstanding. I'm just glad that most of us who have been involved in all this crazyness of the last 6 months can be friends, and that we're all happy on our own.

 Life goes on, it moves too fast most of the time, but we've got to learn how to make it last. And now I'm learning, I'm pacing myself, I'm seeing the path in front of me and fighting for every step.  I'm fighting for my dreams, for love, and for happiness, every day.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it just gets the best of us. I'm beginning to understand why this hell of half-a-year has gone by the way it did, and I thought I regret some of the decisions I made, but if I hadn't--I wouldn't be where I am now.  Happy. Absolutely content with life, and thrilled by every day of it.

So here's to the past: I'm sorry for the people I hurt, the bridges I burned with my own selfish desires, and I'm sorry that that's what it took for me to find out where I belong--but if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be where I am, and if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be so much better off without me.  Here's to having purpose within someone else's life.  Here's to changing things you didn't think would ever change. Here's to growing up just to be kids having fun again.  To the growing pains.  To the smiles. To the tears, the overjoyed and the distraught.

Here's to life. Let's not forget to make it last. 

"My Only Regret is Having Regrets"

Yesterday I was in rehearsal for campus band, just like any other Tuesday night.  Playing music I could've performed when we were handed it on the first day. During one of our student director's pieces, Pastorale, I was watching him begin directing, and I found my eyes had welled up with tears.  I remember looking directly into his eyes as he was cue-ing the chimes, and the amount of concentration and passion that was on his face touched me.  Tyler is an amazing director.  I envy him.  Only because I'm not a music major anymore, and the reason it made me cry is the realization that I will never direct the way he does.  I will never have a band/orchestra that I can be proud of when I lower my arms from conducting.
Don't get me wrong, I know I made the right decision in being a Theater major.  I'm doing much better with my grades, and I'm much happier.  The thing is that I keep feeling like I gave up on music, when I know that isn't the case.  I still play, I still sing--I still involve myself in music in any way I can.  I will never stop loving it, whether or not it is my career.  I guess I wish I could just magically learn theory to make it through the classes so I could just skip to the teaching part..but that's not how it works.  With theater, I'm learning so much, and successfully.  I know I'm where I'm meant to be--Just some lingering thoughts.  Makes me think about my connection to August Rush.

this song. 

My best friend is in town, Mrs. Kimberly McGee! :DD I'm so happy it's ridiculous.  I don't know I survived 5 months without her, and when she leaves on Sunday::I'm gonna be a mess. /dkrufaioreghlsk

I've been working on a series with photography, called the Ladies of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  They're based off the founders of the houses of Hogwarts, and makeup designed by yours truly :) Ogle it. I'm very proud of the pictures so far, Lady Slytherin and Hufflepuff have already premiered!  I absolutely adore photography. I can't get over it. SO many ideas.

Also, I adore this wonderful man. Seth Carmical :) I'm still awe-struck at the fact that he is mine--and that's just it.  He is MINE, and I am HAPPY!

I had more to blog about, but it has escaped my memory.  More to come later, I'm sure :P

Text Analysis Thoughts

Razia's Shadow

My dream, my perfect project.
The perfect parallel to my world.
The beauty I see everywhere.
The hope I want to show everyone.
The change I want to set forth.
Everything I'm striving for.
"You were meant to rule the dark, I was meant to see the sun".
"Don't you ever dream of someplace better,where the lights shine brighter?"
OUR TOWN
We are our own antagonists.
TIME is the ultimate antagonist.

Old Black Water, Keep on Rollin'

"Mississippi moon, won'tcha keep on shinin' on me

Oh my god, I am happy. I haven't blogged (here, at least) in a very long time because I've been SUPER busy with school lately, and lots of new things in my life. :) 

The most recent and most wonderful thing to happen to me has a name--Seth Carmical.  To be honest, I never saw this coming, and he is the most pleasant surprise I've gotten to date (ahaaa yes for double entendres). We are "ruthlessly goofy" together, and somehow understand how absurdly weird the other is in a way that never ceases to amaze me.  There's no questioning it.  Not to mention all the friends I've made simply by being in his company.  I love them all (Christian&Puddin'Pie particularly). Love is crazy, and beautiful, and I love it! 

As far as school goes, I'm doing LOADS better than I was last semester.  The theater is my passion and my calling.  I am in love with what I do.  Stage Makeup is probably my favorite class, not only due to the fact that I'm really good at it, it's just a lot of fun.  My professors inspire me every day, and I always find myself smiling after I leave class :) 

Music--Some Nights album by Fun. Do it to it!

Call My Name if You're Afraid,

"I'm just a kiss away."

I'm so happy.

I could go on and on, but I'll save that for when I've gathered my thoughts a bit more. :)

Forgive Me, Please.

So, there's something I cannot grasp about relationships these days.

Personally, I think when you're thinking about being in a relationship or already are in a relationship with someone, you should be ready to give your whole heart to them. You should be willing to go to the ends of the Earth to be with them. Sure, dating around is cool, but when it comes down to it--what are you going to want a few years from now?

Now obviously, if you realize you're not with the right person, don't go giving your heart away to the wrong one. That's a bad idea. I've learned from many experiences.

My problem is what I just stated. I tend to put my faith into potential relationships really quickly. My hopes go soaring through the ceiling and I'm absolutely captivated by that person...and I'm ready to give my heart to them. As for my dilemma, my heart is way too big. I feel absolutely too much, I think too much, and I love too much.

I don't think these are bad things for me to do, but I certainly think they're bad things when I end up getting the short end of the stick when I put my heart and soul into something that I think could have been everything. I'm not saying I fall in love with every person I date, because that's certainly not true. If I don't feel that I can give a person my heart anymore, I let go--because that's not fair to me or them.

Here lately I've been getting the short end of the stick a LOT. It's getting tiring. Eventually someone will see what I have to offer, and embrace it, and love it. I've just got to find him. And I know, I know, that I probably won't find him soon--but for now it would be nice to just have someone's companionship and possibly affections. I do want to find Mr. Right. I want to love, and be loved in return. And that scares people. I get it. But I just can't seem to hold myself back. If I like you, I like you, and you're going to know it. All about it. Excuse me for being flat-out honest and open. I'm sorry that I can't halfway like you, and/or give you half of my heart. That's just not fair, or right, in my mind.

/ventover.

Razia's Shadow

"You can't change me, You can't have me"

I have so many dreams. SO many. I've changed my major to Theater, because music as a major has been beginning to turn music into something I hate--and I never wanted that. I know in my heart I could never hate Theater as a major, because I'm a techie. Theater has always been my job, and I've always been in love with it.

At the moment I'm listening to my favorite musical, Razia's Shadow (Thank you, Jared and Taylor for introducing me). I've always known I've wanted to work shows in Broadway, but upon listening to this musical once more, I've discovered my newest, and biggest dream.

I want to put this musical on Broadway. It won't work anywhere else, besides West End. The pit would have to be absolutely perfect, and with the help of Josh, I'll have the perfect set. The only thing left to find would be actors, and lord knows New York is chock full of them.

If you have any sort of appreciation for music, literature, and theater, buy the deluxe edition of the album on iTunes RIGHT NOW. That is $11.99 you will never regret spending. Then remember my name, because one day I will direct this masterpiece either on Broadway or West End in London. Hopefully West End.

On another note--

I'm somewhat planning a road trip to New York over spring break with a few friends of mine! All's that's left is to make sure my mother is alright with it, because with us splitting the cost, it's completely affordable. I feel like I'm being called to New York. There's this huge longing in my heart to just get there--I used to have no desire, but now that I have realized how important my relationship with the Theater is, I MUST GET THERE.

As far as expenses, I'm waitressing my way there. Come to Stromboli's and help me on my way? :P I appreciate every single tip I get and every cent my boss pays me. I really do like this new job :)

NYC, here I come.

Razia's Shadow, someday, you will be the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen.