Here goes.
I'm really sad.
I'm sad because its been five or six years since I've known the same you that I knew since I was a child. It's been at least three since we've spoken like we were family.
I am ashamed of you. I'm not going to lie.
Yet, you are probably the biggest inspiration in my life. An inspiration motivated by disgust.
I will never be like you, even though I wake up to your face in the mirror every day.
I won't drop out of high school.
I won't leave my kids (when I have them).
I will succeed,
and I will be better than you.
I just want to know if you care, at all.
If the little girl you left behind from your past means anything of significance to you.
I don't care how you feel about me, but I want to know that you do feel. That I'm not invisible.
That the little girl you have now isn't ever going to replace me.
Your first daughter.
Your mistake.
Yeah.
Me.
The one who's going to change the world, instead of screwing someone elses' up.
I don't hate you.
Nobody else could ever understand the way I feel about you. Nobody. No matter what they say, they will not understand. I may seem cold-hearted and just mean, but I have my reasons.
I don't hate you.
You wanna know how much it sucks to know that as much as I want my Daddy to walk me down the aisle someday, I'll never be able to forgive you enough to be able to ask you that?
Sorry, you don't get to know.
You probably will hear about me getting married when your mother tells you.
Graduation's coming up, hope you're proud. I hope you regret not sticking around.
I hope you understand that I'm not angry at you for what you did to me, but for what you did/are doing to my little brother.
So far, I've turned out okay. I'm sure he will too, but I hate seeing him going through what I did. DO you know how strong I was for him? Do you know how much of my childhood I feel like you took away?
No, you really don't. You won't. My thoughts, my feelings. Oh well.
Let me stress again that I do not hate you.
I hate what you did.
You've apologized, I've forgiven you, it's not like my life sucks because of it, but I don't enjoy having that one little thing missing. There's a dad-shaped hole in my heart. It's a cliche, but it's true.
On one last note, I hope you're a better father to the new little precious girl than you were to me. I hope she can still call you Daddy when she's sixteen.
If you care at all, call me or email me or something. No, don't call me. That's a bad idea. Email me. If you even read this. whatever. gah.
Cheers, Dad.
P.S: Kimble is doing a great job, don't you ever think he isn't better than you because I assure you, he is.
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Okay, to those who don't know what went down with my dad, don't ask. If it's important enough I'll tell you on my own accord. This was for my benefit, sorry if it offended anyone.
Also, I added "Innocent" by Taylor Swift to the playlist...I suppose it fits this post pretty well.
"Who you are is not what you did"
It's not my place to judge your dad and what he did/didn't do.
ReplyDeleteBut I can tell you Sam, that I have experience with some of the things you have dealt with in the past. And no, it wasn't right for the...complications, to affect the children involved, aka, you and your brother. Sam, you did the best you could with the shitty mess. And for that, you should be proud, very proud of yourself.
As far as the blog itself, and the message, it couldn't be clearer...and you are right, no matter how hard you try, you can't fill that dad void you have in your soul. All that anyone can do, is their best...hopefully your dad comes to his senses, and starts making things right, one step at a time.
If you would like, I'd be more than happy to have a sit down with you, if you just want to talk.
You are beautiful, Samantha. And strong. And an amazing young woman. I love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Tay-tay, I'll probably take you up on that offer.
ReplyDeleteMJ, I love you too!
so what went down with your dad? ;-)
ReplyDeleteHey. Love you, Samanana. :)
ReplyDeleteHey, Love you too, Daltato :)
ReplyDelete