Oldddd

That's how I feel.

I wore my Britney Spears T-shirt I got in 2000 today, that was 10 years ago. I was seven. God, where does the time go?

It seems like yesterday I was at Girl Scouts Camp, crossing the bridge of friendship. Good lord. Where does imagination like that go?

Where did childhood go?
People say that they are "kids at heart", but really, nobody is. Yes, I realize this is very pessimistic. But do you not realize it is true?
We're just holding onto the best of our lives by saying that. Nobody dreams like a child does. Guaranteed, we try. Or at least I do.
I wish I still could go and build blanket forts and make up clubs and not feel silly about it. I wish I didn't have to have a reason.
I wish, I wish, I wish...and what good comes out of wishing?
How about I just act like a kid when I want to and nobody worry me about it? Okay? Yeah.
No. Society gets in the way there.

When did childhood leave?
I'm sure it's not at the same time for everyone. I mean, I still think I'm a kid. A teenager, but I'm not an adult. I'm not ready to support other people. I just realized today that I got my stupid Britney Spears T-shirt TEN YEARS AGO.
It feels absurd to say that.
I guess it's a coming-of-age thing.

Why do I have so many questions?
Ask anyone who knows me, I don't take things as they are. I'm always asking, "Why?", and more often than not, it gets me into trouble (Ask my mother).
I've always heard that coffee stunts your growth, but today I refused to believe it. Jess could not get me to accept it. I decided that I'm going to ask Mrs. Tharp in the morning, since she would probably know about the chemical that would do that sort of thing. She is one smart lady.
But really, Why didn't I have an argument against that until now?

Because I was a kid, and I believed in everything.

Wasn't that wonderful?
I miss it. I miss my brother.
In truth, I don't remember much of my childhood at my mother's house. I remember my room, and movies I watched, and our pets, but I have no idea what I did all day before we moved into our own house...and I still don't remember much about that. The golden days of my youth (as if it's over, HAH!) were in the sand-pit in Ward, AR at my dad's house, where I used to hate going in the summers. Yet now I realize, I loved it, as much as I resisted it, I loved it. Because I miss it more than anything, especially now that the subdivision is expanding into my beloved mind's play-ground.

I'm not trying to be cynical. This is just kind of a stream-of-consciousness, thing. Typing as words come to mind, yaknow? Tomato.

I adore jazz. gah. Does that make me old, too?
I'm not even 18. I prefer records to mp3's any day, film to digital, and clothing from past decades and even centuries as opposed to $100 buckle jeans or $50 t-shirts from abercrombie.

I'm so weird.

I don't know

If you'll ever read this, but I don't really care. (okay, yeah, I do. I wouldn't be writing it if I didn't)

Here goes.

I'm really sad.
I'm sad because its been five or six years since I've known the same you that I knew since I was a child. It's been at least three since we've spoken like we were family.
I am ashamed of you. I'm not going to lie.
Yet, you are probably the biggest inspiration in my life. An inspiration motivated by disgust.
I will never be like you, even though I wake up to your face in the mirror every day.
I won't drop out of high school.
I won't leave my kids (when I have them).
I will succeed,
and I will be better than you.
I just want to know if you care, at all.
If the little girl you left behind from your past means anything of significance to you.
I don't care how you feel about me, but I want to know that you do feel. That I'm not invisible.
That the little girl you have now isn't ever going to replace me.
Your first daughter.
Your mistake.
Yeah.
Me.
The one who's going to change the world, instead of screwing someone elses' up.

I don't hate you.
Nobody else could ever understand the way I feel about you. Nobody. No matter what they say, they will not understand. I may seem cold-hearted and just mean, but I have my reasons.
I don't hate you.
You wanna know how much it sucks to know that as much as I want my Daddy to walk me down the aisle someday, I'll never be able to forgive you enough to be able to ask you that?
Sorry, you don't get to know.
You probably will hear about me getting married when your mother tells you.

Graduation's coming up, hope you're proud. I hope you regret not sticking around.
I hope you understand that I'm not angry at you for what you did to me, but for what you did/are doing to my little brother.
So far, I've turned out okay. I'm sure he will too, but I hate seeing him going through what I did. DO you know how strong I was for him? Do you know how much of my childhood I feel like you took away?
No, you really don't. You won't. My thoughts, my feelings. Oh well.

Let me stress again that I do not hate you.
I hate what you did.
You've apologized, I've forgiven you, it's not like my life sucks because of it, but I don't enjoy having that one little thing missing. There's a dad-shaped hole in my heart. It's a cliche, but it's true.

On one last note, I hope you're a better father to the new little precious girl than you were to me. I hope she can still call you Daddy when she's sixteen.

If you care at all, call me or email me or something. No, don't call me. That's a bad idea. Email me. If you even read this. whatever. gah.

Cheers, Dad.

P.S: Kimble is doing a great job, don't you ever think he isn't better than you because I assure you, he is.

--

Okay, to those who don't know what went down with my dad, don't ask. If it's important enough I'll tell you on my own accord. This was for my benefit, sorry if it offended anyone.

Also, I added "Innocent" by Taylor Swift to the playlist...I suppose it fits this post pretty well.

"Who you are is not what you did"

I love it

When I have an AWESOME day, even though it was pretty average on a scale of eventfulness.

This morning, it was insanely cold and I was mostly ticked off at the world. It got better during Band rehearsal, because I'm ALWAYS happy in band :D

Then in 3rd period (My service learning for Mrs. Tharp) I got to help Mrs. Tharp pick out gifts for the custodians for Earth Day and came up for a new thing in Ecology club! I'm super pumped!

Thennnnn in German we got to watch a video about Rothenburg (and other cities on the Romantische Strasse) where I'll be stopping on my Europe tour this summer.

THENNNNNNNNNNN in Jazz Band the saxes were absolutely beastly on our new tunes. It was quite satisfactory. :)

THENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN I got home to a package from the best boyfriend EVER. Inside was a cup. Not just any cup, but a cup that is nearly an exact replica of a DSLR lens. When I discovered it was actually a cup, not a very lightweight lens, I laughed. ALOT. There was also some film for my polaroid and a tiny dinosaur :D ! Made my day :)

Oh hai, Jake, I love you.

Then I went to work, and it didn't suck too bad, which is always good. MONEHHH!

Alright, I oughta get some sleep now. Swimming laps with Tessa, Logan, Meagen, and Rena tomorrow night! Super excited!

I'm sick.

Senioritis.

Yeah, it's here, bigtime. Oh well, I can make it through my last semester as a High School student, I think.

Good News! My little sister is going to be born any day now :) I'm so excited.

Epiphany! Jazz Music is my favorite in the whole world. If I had a theme song, it would be something swingy or funky. I feel like it embodies my personality. Snazzy, Classy, and FUN. We got a few new tunes in jazz band Monday and I am lovin' all of them. Especially our new legitimate funk tune, Slingshot. So much fun(k) =D Also, I've decided that I've got a new album to hunt for on vinyl. Anything Benny Goodman. So if any of you happen upon one, let me know! I'll love you FOREVER.

I need a new LBD (Little Black Dress). For Branson, of course, with Jazz band. I don't want to wear the same one again. haha

I really don't have much to blog about today, nothing profound has struck me. I'm sorry :/

I lied.

I'm reading Armageddon in Retrospect by the amazing Kurt Vonnegut Jr. right now, and it's a compilation of 12 of his writings on war. I'm about halfway through, and I just read one today titled The Unicorn Trap. It is probably one of my most favorite pieces of literature now, certainly my favorite so far in the book. Everyone should read it.

God we're cool.

No lie. This was the most fun I've had in awhile. :)

I made the backdrop with bedsheets and taped them to my bathroom walls. bathtubs are awesome.

We used acrylic paint and painted each other, there was no self-painting involved. hahaha.

Anyway there's more pictures on my personal facebook, so add me if you don't know me already :P

Samantha L Weldon

I feel inspired.

Andrea is coming over with paint, and I sense a photoshoot in the near future.
Another post to come, I'm sure.

Weekend Review

So Friday and Saturday, I went to the All-Region clinic at UCA. It was a really good time, hard rehearsals, and it all paid off with the best concert ever! Dr. Nguyen from the University of Memphis (my dream college) was our director and he was absolutely PHENOMENAL. Gah, what I would give to have that skill when I'm a director.

Sunday I went to work, then got home and lazed around for a few hours before an awesome girl's night with Syrena and Meagen. We rented "Easy A" from the redbox and bought cheap (AWESOME) facials. Easy A is an alright movie. It's witty and clever, but the plot is really dry after awhile. I liked it alright. We had a great night though :)
"Pretty Girl Rock" by Keri Hilson is our Theme song. for sure. Give it a listen if you don't mind catchy mainstream.

Today, I was a little down after I left Meagen's house. It was dreary and misty and it wouldn't even properly rain. Anyway--While driving home I heard Usher's new single "More" on FM 96.5, and I decided that the man is a genius of the music industry. He's always had my respect because he really knows what the general public likes. He knows his stuff. No wonder he's filthy rich and famous. Yeah. Usher.

I went to work again today for a short shift, and I got into a good conversation with my co-worker and dear friend Taylor Travis about our blogs. We agreed that it is the best thing to get feedback on your posts because then it's like you know people are listening to what you say on here. It's not like talking to a wall of 20 followers. I want to hear what you guys think. I don't care if you think it will hurt my feelings or whatever, but seriously, COMMENT if you read this! I want to know! Also, we both agreed we want our blogs to be well-recognized. SO if you would, please check out his--it's really eccentric and weird at times but never a boring read :) Right here, mayne.

For my finishing note, I heard this song coming out of work today, and it made my heart just break. It's really optimistic, but just the piano in the beginning felt just like I did inside today. Just a little melancholy. It'll pass.

Listen to Jazz.

Religiously.

Your life will be better.

Updated Playlist--->

& That's all for today! All Region clinic tomorrow!

"Easy, Lucky, Free"

The world was absolutely beautiful today.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I find that some days the world just has a lack of color. Even in the dead of winter, the world was absolutely flambuoyant with color today, and it made my eyes shine.

The video is not what is important, the song is. Listen to this next time you're driving home by yourself with a beautiful sunset before you.

Love yourself, you're beautiful.

12 ideas, and whatever else.

Alright. Let's see how this goes.

Yeah, it didn't go. I was going to do 101 ideas. I think this will do for today.

1. What if we boycotted television?
2. What if ovens REALLY baked the fat out of everything?
3. How about we get rid of fast food and pretend it just never happened.
4. Smile at someone, every day.
5. "Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints" - Love the earth.
6. Listen to Miles Davis, put a little more soul in your life.
7. People look so fake with makeup on.
8. If you work in fast food, (given that it does, unfortunately, exist) write little happy notes on the backs of people's reciepts in the drive thru.
9. What if we actually never gave up on something we wanted? What if acceptance wasn't real?
10. What if music wasn't real? (horrible thought, I know, right?)
11. I Wonder what our letters look like to Russians, since theirs look like boxes to me.
12. Maybe I'm only funny because I have Down Syndrome and people are cruel beings. (thank you, Flowers for Algernon)


Besides that, I made First band at All Region tryouts yesterday, and I'm pleased, but also dissappointed in myself for not qualifying for All State. Oh well, what's done is done. Some people are better at tryouts, some are better at being musicians.

More importantly,

It is snowing, and I don't have school tomorrow. MMyes.

Middle Fingers In The Air.

Yeah. That's how I feel today.

I want to throw a few people across the room. Now which room that is, I don't care, but they'll be thrown.

I'm disappointed in myself because I didn't qualify to try out for all-state band today, but I made first band so I should be happy, right?

Ugh. Whatever.

My clarinet has been locked in my closet, but I'll be over it by the morning.

Woo-ee-oo, I look just like Buddy Holly

Oh-oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore.

Ah, how I love Weezer

Fine, fine. So today was pretty spectacular. I couldn't tell you why, but it was just a good day. Maybe because I got paid? That probably has ALOT to do with it.

And now, a HAPPY BIRTHDAY, to my dear friend Daniel (Danpea) Carman :) I wish you the best in all that you do! BEST FRIENDS FOREVARRRR

Sorry, I'm not being exactly eloquent today x) Oh well.

I drove outside with the windows down today listening to "Phantom Limb" by the Shins. It was the most free I had felt in a long time.

And a short thought.

Today, Wade and Kaylin went on a double date with Jake and I. We went to the Flying Fish and then visited Matt and then went Ice skating. It was lovely :)

But to get to the point of this short post,

I don't know why, but I've been relating like everything I see to bombs lately. Maybe it comes from me reading two Kurt Vonnegut novels in a row, maybe I'm just actually out of my mind, or maybe I'm just an artist, I don't know.

For example: the sunset as we were headed to our date, there was a small cloud that was a BRIGHT orange and then something that to me looked like a shock wave you would see across the land from an atom bomb pretty much. It was absolutely beautiful, but I thought of bombs.

Then when we were visiting Matticus, we went to The House for some coffee, and when I poured the creamer into the cup it made the mushroom cloud shape, very vaguely. BOMBS.

Thennnnnn after our date Megan made hot chocolate at Jake's house and the whipped cream and chocolate syrup once again made me think of bombs.

Fat man.

Forgive me for my insanity/artistry/Vonneguttry, I'm still unsure of it.

Welcome, 2011.

Happy New Year, Guys :)

So yeah, I had a party, and it was grand, and I got my first New Year's kiss. Love you, Jake >

Sadly, this won't be the happiest post ever. I need to vent. This is the most similar thing to a journal that I have, it just happens to be public. So to whoever's listening, here goes.

I didn't make any resolutions this year. I've had my mind set on my goals since October. But here's a few that I guess could count as resolutions for the new year (somewhat stolen from Dalton ;] )

1. Keep in touch with those who matter after we walk.

2. Stay focused and keep my head high during my first semester at UCA.

3. Remember to live, and enjoy myself no matter what.

Although this will sound contradictory to my third resolution, because it's angsty and only temporary, it's really not. I am so happy with my life right now, truthfully.

I miss Jeffrey Anderson. He was the best friend I, or anyone, for that matter, ever had. I want to be 18 RIGHT NOW, so I can get my peeper ribbon tattoo, and whatever Jeff quote I end up deciding on with it. Honestly, being friends with Jeff and knowing him is a new year's resolution in itself. Jeff makes me want to live my life looking for the best in people, respecting everyone I meet, and just being happy and friendly. I miss him more than anyone or anything. I'm so happy for him though because he's having a wonderful time in Heaven, I just know it. I'm with Dalton--I just wish I could have my friend back.

And now, sad time. I just said goodbye to Jake for the next six months, minus prom/a weekend, MAYBE. I hate the army right now. I hate that I can't see him every day like I have for the past two weeks, and I hate that they went entirely too fast. I miss him already, and I just want to keep him in my closet or something for now. nrrgh.

I love you, babe. That's all it comes down to, really.

Also, Listen to "Talking to the Moon" by Bruno Mars. Phenomenal song.

Thank you, Wade Delap, for having impeccable taste in music :)

Furthermore,

Thank you to all of you who cared enough to read this and hear me out. I love you :)