The Trapeze Swinger

Today I became an acrobat. For no reason at all, I feel like I have become a trapeze swinger, dodging falling to my death by mere centimeters--but more like dodging the feelings I don't want to feel.

Because the secret is, I'm not really as happy as I seem all the time. There's a cliche phrase about people wearing smiles as masks, which I don't take seriously very often, but I feel as if I fit that phrase sometimes.

I seem to always smile for others, very rarely for myself. I smile for you. To dodge the questions--To swing clear of becoming weak in your eyes. I have a bad habit of pretending like everything's okay, when it's not. At all.

I have a habit of being too laid back, of not reacting appropriately. I have a habit of apathy. Lately, that's been changing. Lately, I've been getting angry. Lately, I've gotten tired of letting people get their way no matter the cost to myself.

Lately, I've felt like being selfish. I'll admit it, I am selfish in the first place, but I do what I can to not let that affect others no matter the case. Now, I'm making exceptions. I deserve better things than what I've convinced myself were okay to put up with.

On another note--"The Trapeze Swinger" by Iron & Wine is what just popped into my head for the theme of today's blog. Look it up, you won't regret it. I prefer the live version myself.

Work makes me sing the "I hate my life" song. Joy. It really wasn't that bad today, I just didn't want to be there. I got paid, so it's cool.

On another note--I want a Holga/Diana Camera. but alas, the film is not sold in Arkansas, and I am too cheap to buy it online. Someone get it for me? please? x)

Regardless of all this mixed emotion crap--

I love my life.