Kerby Sour Busy.

Title: Irrelevant.

I've been in the best mood today. From my backpack (or "Jeff", rather) attacking logan with the peeper ribbons to lunchtime to finding a cute tanktop thing at grandma's collectibles for $1.50, I've had a pretty great day :) even though things aren't the most favorable, they're looking up. I know Jeff would want us to be happy, so that's what I'm doing.

My friends are cool, end of story. They keep me healthy, what with feeding me and making me laugh at least a million times a day :) I'm going to Branson this weekend! Won't have access to a computer long enough to write a whole entry, so I'll write a really long one Sunday when I get back :D Yay Jazz band. This post really doesn't have much direction, as you can probably tell. But that's okay. I'm just rambling, and it's my blog so I can ramble as much as I feel like it :P you people (whoever you are) read it anyway. Soooo RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE. what. you just read that. Okay, so I'm pretty hyper.

MUSIC of the day: "Slide" by Goo Goo Dolls <---Download it. Listen to it. Something. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start putting this at either the beginning, the middle, or the end of my blogs from now on. A reccommended song. whatever. it will be here from now on. you have to look for it. have fun

Oh the chaotic thoughts.

Paying in Naivety

So I haven't done the best job of keeping up with this...4 day gap. awesome. Now for cryptic/philosophical/random ramblings.

Have you ever loved someone without knowing it?

I'm convinced it can be done. Not necessarily in a romantic way, maybe just as a close friend. It's true that we don't know what we have until it's gone. That I will never deny. Luckily, it doesn't always take that long to realize it.

Have you ever felt someone slipping away?

It's quite a helpless feeling honestly. I have a feeling that I handle it differently than most people though, maybe I'm wierd. When I feel as if something/someone is slipping out of my grasp...I kind of just let it get there. Out of reach. Is that strange? Once things are out of my hands I feel as if alot of weight is off my own shoulders, yet I'm always worried about the outcome that I have no control over. And even though it may seem like I don't care, and I'm always putting on that I can take care of myself...

I never forget.

Let it Be

"Whisper words of wisdom, 'Let it be'."

Above: Jeff's Sun.

April 6th, 2010...10:17 pm. We lost a great man. Jeff Anderson has left this world to be with the Father, and I couldn't be happier for him. Jeff was truly the best person I could have met in my life, and I am absolutely honored to call him my friend. Today, granted, was rough.

Meghan and I have been discussing this, and she stated the fact that we shouldn't be sad because he died, but happy because he lived. Which is absolutely right. Jeff was impeccable. He made friends with anyone he met, and I'm sure all of those people including those of us who were remotely close to him appreciate that fact so much.

Jeff's passing is definitely the biggest blow the class of 2011 will suffer, and something we will never forget. He is a person you just don't forget. He made an impact on all of us. Everyone who had the honor to talk to him experienced a blessing in my opinion.

Although today was incredibly rough at school as far as emotions go, the gloomy weather did NOT help at all. But when I got home from an early dinner with some of the gang, I decided Jeff wouldn't want us to be sad. He would tell us to suck it up, so I played in the rain. I knew Jeff told God it was okay for it to rain today, because he knew we would make the best of it. Hence, my dancing and puddle-jumping commenced. Then all of a sudden, the sun broke through the clouds--the brightest I have ever seen it.

I'm thoroughly convinced that the sun was Jeff/God's doing. It was our sign to tell us that he is doing splendid up there in heaven. That it is beautiful and he is having a wonderful time, as he deserves to.

Overall, I can't thank God enough for giving me the gift of Jeff's friendship.

Rest in Peace, Jeff. You will never be forgotten.

6/7/10.

So much

Music.

Again another reference to another cliche phrase - "Music is my life". Everyone says it. Not everyone knows what it really means. I am a musician. I know what it really means to say that Music is my life and mean it. I believe I can change the world with music. I want to be a band director for that very reason. To teach the next generation about music, and to help them discover their passion for something that seems endangered to me. I want to be like Trusty.

Mr. Trusty, I must say, is awesome. He is definitely the biggest inspiration in my life, no matter how detached he seems :P. Sophomore year--he frightened me a bit. Then he would get talking about those "moments" you will have during a performance--those moments you only get a few times in a lifetime, and I looked at him a whole new way. It was last year I decided that being a band director was what I wanted to do with my life, and I have no-one else to thank for that besides Mr. Trusty and Mr. Tenney. They have the most respect of any adults besides my mom in my eyes. I don't think they know just how much they do by simply working as High School Band Directors. I have no way to thank them in the way they deserve to be thanked. Not only by me but by the whole Cabot Band in my opinion. Both of them have made me such a better musician, offering advice and encouraging me to always keep trying even when things seem impossible to get right. I feel like I'm living up to something when I perform in one of their bands. I feel like that is where I belong. Somewhere within a band. I want to make others feel that way. I want to grow up to be someone like them to someone like me. I want to be inspirational in the way that they are, without even trying to be.

On a final note -- Thank you to both of you, Mr. Trusty and Mr. Tenney. I owe you so much. So much Music. So much life :)

The Trapeze Swinger

Today I became an acrobat. For no reason at all, I feel like I have become a trapeze swinger, dodging falling to my death by mere centimeters--but more like dodging the feelings I don't want to feel.

Because the secret is, I'm not really as happy as I seem all the time. There's a cliche phrase about people wearing smiles as masks, which I don't take seriously very often, but I feel as if I fit that phrase sometimes.

I seem to always smile for others, very rarely for myself. I smile for you. To dodge the questions--To swing clear of becoming weak in your eyes. I have a bad habit of pretending like everything's okay, when it's not. At all.

I have a habit of being too laid back, of not reacting appropriately. I have a habit of apathy. Lately, that's been changing. Lately, I've been getting angry. Lately, I've gotten tired of letting people get their way no matter the cost to myself.

Lately, I've felt like being selfish. I'll admit it, I am selfish in the first place, but I do what I can to not let that affect others no matter the case. Now, I'm making exceptions. I deserve better things than what I've convinced myself were okay to put up with.

On another note--"The Trapeze Swinger" by Iron & Wine is what just popped into my head for the theme of today's blog. Look it up, you won't regret it. I prefer the live version myself.

Work makes me sing the "I hate my life" song. Joy. It really wasn't that bad today, I just didn't want to be there. I got paid, so it's cool.

On another note--I want a Holga/Diana Camera. but alas, the film is not sold in Arkansas, and I am too cheap to buy it online. Someone get it for me? please? x)

Regardless of all this mixed emotion crap--

I love my life.

I have no idea how to format blogs.

I have this vision for my blog (which I've done such a lovely job keeping up with...3 months from my first post) but I have no idea how to make it come to life. Damn my technology-illiterate-ness. Oh well.

Lately life's been...a mess.

I've practically lost, gained, and gotten my best friend back in multiple ways. Said person was always someone I could never tell with, but when they practically dissappeared, I realized that I knew more about them than I thought I did. Because even though it didn't feel like it, I understood them, but when they were gone, I understood nothing. I got into the wrong things in an effort to fill the void of friendship left by that person's abscence. Luckily, they're back. Luckily, I have other friends who are exceptionally amazing and I probably wouldn't have made it through this patch in my life with such success without them.

Lately life's been...drama.

I've learned what kind of people I do and do not need in my life during the past few months, and I've realized what kind of people I've considered myself to be friends with for the past few years. It was pretty harsh. I've become a person who steers clear of drama, one who will let other people's friendships die because of their drama and my lack of concern for it. I'm alot happier.

Lately...I've been great.

Although there's been a ton of bull you-know-what going on, I've really changed as a person, which has changed my perspective on things. I'm not concerned about making everyone else happy anymore.

I choose to be happy rather than letting current situations determine what kind of mood I'm in. It's all about outlook.

I don't dress the same anymore, I'm not content with looking like everyone else who wanted to be a punk. I'm myself.

My style has changed immensely. 2010 is the year that people will remember me by. Which makes sense because we graduate next spring.

I'm a co-captain for the flagline now, and I am quite honored to have the responsibility to help guide

those who are younger than me. I'm looking forward to my future, even though I have no idea what's

going to happen after I graduate. As far as my love life goes, I nearly gave up on any chance of romance

in high school a couple of days ago. As a result, someone came along, and might be on the path to having

a healthy relationship with me. I make him happy, he makes me happy, it's just nice. :) All I really have

left to say right now is to the 2010/2011 school year...and that phrase would be...

BRING IT.