The Death of Ivan Ilyich

"Ivan Ilyich's life had been most simple and most ordinary, and therefore most terrible."

Tolstoy, you are a genius. This is exactly the way I see things. Thank you, World lit II.

I have chosen to be a music major, despite the fact that everyone tells me "it won't be easy".

I don't want it to be easy, or simple, OR ordinary.

Life is FAR too short for "ordinary".

The only thing that I want to be "simple" in my life will be the love between my future husband and I. And even then, I want it to be complex, frightening, and beautifully intricate in every way. But it will be simply natural for us to feel that way about one another.

I cannot think of a worse fate than for me to die and have people say, "Well, she had a good life."

I want people to say,

"Damn, she really lived"

Something very important to me are my dreams. I have my head in other galaxies, my hopes are so high. Just so you all understand the extent of this dream I have, I suppose I should tell you.

I want to create a music institute in Africa, or a country like it. I want to bring the opportunity to learn more about music, & the chance to become a musician to those who probably have never even seen a violin before.

I want to start something bigger than just myself,

I want to change the world,

& that is the only what I know how.

Disclaimer:

I KNOW IT'S CRAZY,

I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY,

& I KNOW I WILL never be rich,

or live a super comfortable life.

but

I do not care.

I am confident that I could do this & not even miss the comforts of middle-class America. If it means I change the world, even in the slightest, it will be worth it.

For me, music is hope. My rescue.
I want that hope to be reachable for everyone.

Consider this the launch of my dream, my change:

Hope Infinite: Music for everyone.

I'm ambitious, that's for sure, but definitely not in the way most people my age are. Money doesn't matter when I could change a life besides my own. When I accomplish this, not only will I be one of the happiest people on Earth, but so will TONS of kids.

Don't try to stop me now, you'll regret it when this does something you couldn't even dream of trying.

Magical

Lately I've realized a few things. A few things that I've known all along, really--I've just become more aware of them in the past few days.

Life

is absolutely

magical.

I went to Deas Vail's CD release show last night at the Rev Room (they just released their self-titled album, go get it on Amazon for $3.99!!! A total steal! It's worth SO much more). The show was something I'll never forget--one moment in particular actually. They were playing "Shoreline" (in the playlist -->) and after the song was over, Wes, the lead vocalist, kept singing a cappella. I felt like I was witnessing an inexplicably intimate moment between himself and his voice. I will never forget the way he sang then, he was just so into it that it brought me to tears. I'm still in awe. I wish everyone on Earth could have heard it the way I did.

I'm extremely inspired after this weekend. I went to the Cabot Invitational Marching Contest, and it was an absolute joy. It made me confident that I can one day coach a color-guard successfully, since I could've helped out a few of the high schools present at the contest. The marching contest was just really cool to go to--to see where I'd come from. When so much is going on up here at UCA, I tend to forget.

The same night, Andrea and I went to see the Arkansas Symphony Orchestra perform the music of John Williams with her mother and some other friends. The one moment in that concert that really struck me was when they performed the music from Schindler's List. I've never been a fan of the violin, but again--I was brought to tears by the pure musicality and musicianship displayed by the feature violinist Saturday night. It was outstanding.

Sunday was just a really great day in general--and I'm not trying to turn this post into a narrative of my life this weekend, it ties in, I assure you. All I did was laundry and hung out with my family until I headed back to UCA, where I watched Boondock Saints with Jared. Phenomenal movie, by the way, even though they shoot a cat. I highly recommend it.

Back to the point. I realized that life is absolutely magical.

Music saves me. Lately it's been feeling like a chore, since it's my major and I'm having to learn so much of the technique behind it and study so much, not to mention practicing. This weekend made me open my eyes again to how much I really love music. It is what makes me who I am, in all honesty. There's not a day I go without music, or even talking about music. It's all that I could ever need in life. I could be homeless, as long as I had a guitar or something. I'll always have my voice if all else fails.

I get absolutely...lost in the moment when I listen to music. Nothing matters. Especially when I'm performing, it's just me and my instrument (whichever one it may be). When I sing I feel absolutely free--it is my ultimate form of expression, and when it's jazz, it's even better. I cannot begin to explain the full extent of my point of view towards music. Simply put, I love it. So much. I love it like I love my family, it is the closest and best friend I have, and it will never leave me.

Never.

On the subject of friends, mine are the best. Plain and simple. First off, there's my twin, Mareena. She is amazing, and my sanity. We are absolutely hysterical when we are together, and I do miss her so. I CANNOT WAIT TO LIVE WITH HER NEXT YEAR. OH MY GOD.

Secondly, there's Jared--he's the best friend I've made at UCA, and I really can't imagine what these past few months would have been like without him, or what my life now would be like without him. We're ridiculously silly, and understand each other on such a close level. Nobody knows me like he does. Then there's Tessa, my amazing roomie and BFF. I know I've said it before, but I love her so much, she's really wonderful and somehow knows just what to say when I'm talking crazy :P. Aside from individuals, everyone else in my life is amazing. I would never wish to have never met anyone of them. Hence another reason why I'm believing in the fact that life is magical. With the people I know, and are coming to know, how could life not be? I'm blessed, really. Priveleged.

I find it funny that I've decided on the adjective "magical". For my generation, our lives really are magical--being heavily influenced by Harry Potter and all :P We are the dreamers. We are unstoppable.

I have the most exciting future ahead of me. I dare you to try and stop me. I dare you.

2:53am, and NO-ONE to talk to.

So, the title of this post pretty much says it all.

I can't sleep.

I'm home for the weekend, which is great, I'm getting to see so many people I love and my dearest feline familiar. I have missed this cat so much. But I cannot sleep--there is far too much on my mind.

I've had a great day. My classes were canceled, I did great in lessons and BMB rehearsal, and had a pleasant trip home with Tessa, AND got to hang out with Andrea and Josh (two people I hardly ever have the chance to spend quality time with anymore). It was AWESOME. But the thing is, I had a big let-down.

I'm talking to someone, as in sort-of dating. Seeing someone, I guess you could say. The thing is, there's so much going on in his life that it's stressing him out to the point that he has to find time to even text me. I stopped by Starbucks with Andrea to see him for a fe

w minutes tonight, and it was absolutely wonderful to see his face. As we were leaving, he told me he'd text me--so I was expecting to see him again tonight. I never got a text. In short--I'm really disappointed. This isn't the first time this has happened. Every moment that we actually get to spend time together is really great, there are almost no words for it. The problem is that I feel like we haven't even really started a relationship and I'm having to fight for a single moment with him. I'm beginning to give up on something that could've been everything. I hate the feeling of losing hope.

And that's where I am.

I'm starting to lose hope in the fact that not everyone is going to disappoint me. Ever since I've moved to Conway, I've met such amazing people and then *something*

goes wrong and I end up in this same spot.

I'm starting to lose hope in the thought of anyone ever wanting to marry me ever again. It's trivial, really--but I've got a feeling that I'm just going to be the old cat lady when all my friends are incandescently happy with the loves of their lives.

It's days like this that I think of Jeff. He is my hope. In all honesty, he really is. I posted this on his Facebook wall about a year and a week after he passed, and it still rings true today.

When I feel like there's no hope, I think of Jeff. For him, there was always hope. Because of him, there is always hope. I cannot wait to see him again someday. What I wouldn't give to do the Jeff dance with him again. He is my guardian angel, and what keeps me going through everything going on in my life. Words cannot describe how much he means to me, because when no-one else is there to talk to at 3 in the morning, Jeff is.

I would say I'm sorry for such an emotional (whiny?) post, but I'm really not. I do this for my own sanity. I feel tons better, and tons worse. Emotions are my prized possession and my enemy. I will never stop feeling.

On that note--I had a really deep conversation with Josh tonight just sitting in his driveway since I was feeling down. He made me re-recognize the fact that I really do lack the ability to build walls up against my emotions. People can read me like a book. Some more than others, and sometimes I need those few who really get me to tell me what's going on inside my own head. Is it crazy? Probably. Do I care anymore? No.

As a brief ending-- I'm inexplicably happy with my life, despite the current circumstances. I couldn't ask for more.

Carpe Vitam

"sleep well, my friend, there will be another moment, we'll meet again"

Mayday Parade--(their new album is superb, by the way)

Philosophy Post #1

Chapter 1

Philosophy of Religion, & how I found mine.

So here at UCA, I've been taking a Philosophy class (which just so happens to be my favorite class). Right now we are in the Philosophy of Religion--and I have figured out some things that were nagging at my brain for awhile now.

I never thought religion in the south was quite right, especially in Cabot. College has definitely shown me that I was right--it really isn't right. There is so much corruption in churches here...don't even get me started. Before I get into this huge post though, I need to make things clear:

1. I'm going to be posting a lot about philosophy here now, it's really inspiring and thought provoking to me. When I title something "Philosophy Post #whatever" I'm basically saying "This is congruent to a discussion board, please leave comments and TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!" I cannot explain the importance of your feedback. Without feedback and discussion, this is just me blabbering on about my views on things to (figuratively) a wall. I have 34 followers--some of you must have an opinion somewhere down deep inside.

2. About feedback, please only offer intelligent responses. If you're going to tell me I'm wrong--back it up. I've learned a LOT about arguments and how to find & destroy bad ones. Not saying that I'm right about everything, just that I don't want things like "YOU DEVIL WORSHIPPER" in my comments because that's just hateful and would fully prove that you haven't really read & digested my post.

3. Things I talk about in Philosophy posts will not agree with the beliefs of the general public. Just as a warning.

SO now that housekeeping is done, let's get down to it--

I am a Pantheist.

Pantheism-the doctrine that God is the transcendent reality of whichthe material universe and human beings are onlymanifestations: it involves a denial of God's personality andexpresses a tendency to identify God and nature.

(dictionary.com)

In English-- God is nature. He is all around us and identified as the universe itself.

(myself)

More specifically, I believe that God created the universe, but he is also a part of it. He is the life.

I can see things in nature, even my own hands, and honestly say I have seen God. There are some things that are just too beautiful to just be a natural process. I believe God is a supernatural being who is within and part of the natural world (i.e: Identified as the universe itself).

When I was a child, probably 9 or 10 years old, I was in the car with my Pa-Buddy (grandpa) and my little brother. We were coming back to my grandparent's house, and it was nearing sunset. The dying sunlight cast upon all of the trees made them the most brilliant green I had ever seen at the time, ethereal emeralds. Just as an observation, I said "Green must be God's favorite color, because it is everywhere" and my Pa-Buddy just started smiling and said "from the mouths of babes!" and I remember being extremely confused at the time, but I understand it now. From my point of view, God has always been an intrinsic part of the world we live in.

That is a memory that has never left me. The only place I have ever seen that brilliant green again was on Highway 25, at sunset. Coincidentally this is only a few minutes from where I was when I was a child and saw it. I'll never forget how vivid it was.

Let me make one thing clear, if it hasn't been clear enough. Pantheism is a completely and totally different belief than Atheism. Atheists believe that God truly does not exist. The way I view Pantheism--I can find God in anything I see. I'm just separate from organized religion for personal reasons.

Within the past two or three years, I had come to realize I didn't agree with a lot of what "Christians" here in the south believe. I stopped identifying myself with them a long time ago. I still believe that a man named Jesus died for our sins. I still believe he saved me, and that there is a heaven. I just do not believe that God sits up there and watches us all the time. He is part of us, and our world.

I love going to church, but not just any church. A genuine one. I need to find one of those. It's seemingly impossible to me, at least in Arkansas. I want to go somewhere where I will truly believe the person preaching, and it won't just be me who believes them. I want to go somewhere where people listen, and develop their own opinions on the beliefs of the preacher. I want to go somewhere where people are really getting the message. Which raises the question of "how many people will believe that you really have the conviction in what you believe?"

I'm Spiritual, not Religious--but if I have to pick one, I'm a Pantheist, and quite proud of it.
Please let me know what you think :))

So I've Been kindof absent...

Because I'm in

COLLEGE!

Life here at UCA is so amazing. I have so much freedom, and I'm surrounded by mostly intelligent people! /bliss

Being a Music Major is definitely a pressing study. It is not easy. It's not going to be. Same with Color-Guard, but I wouldn't trade either of them for anything else. I am absolutely loving learning more about these things I'm passionate about rather than wasting my life away in a High School classroom learning things I won't ever use again. My Harmony & Piano Classes are really quite simple, I'm doing well in them. Ear Training, on the other hand, is difficult. I do not like sight-singing.

Here at UCA, I have learned so much already, met people I will never forget, found new dreams to take on, and it's hardly been a month. College life is really something unforgettable. I have so much more freedom to create and let my inspiration flow than in High School. I absolutely love it. I'm already looking forward to getting an apartment next year with my dearest twin, Mareena, & our best friend Jacob (& possibly Chelsea). Dorm life isn't bad, just not something I want to do after this year x).

I've got to get this new layout thing going soon, I wanted to wait until after I cut my hair off (which I love--short hair rules) to put up the new pictures and all, and now I just have to find time to get the pictures I'm wanting. I'm going to change the color scheme and all after I post this and just remove the header for now. :) (pointless thinking aloud for all my followers)

As aforementioned, I have met some unforgettable people here at college.

The UCA Color Guard: You girls are amazing. Every single one of you (including Alex). You inspire me every day to be my best and never settle for less than what I know I can be in every aspect of my life. The rehearsals are brutal, and they're just going to get harder as the season goes on, but I know it will be worth it in every way when we show that crowd who we are. We are the UCA BMB Color Guard, and we are the best in the state. I could never hate or stay mad at any of you, and I hate to see you fight amongst yourselves--You are my family, and I love you all.

To my newest Best Friend, Jared Browner.

You are the sweetest human alive. I love that you and I can just go anywhere, no matter where, and have a great time. Our conversations make me feel like I'm not crazy x). You get me. You're so intelligent, and humble--I admire so many things about you. I'm so happy we are going to be such close friends :) You are a gift to the world. You're going to do amazing things, I know it. I'll always let you know where to find me, just incase you need me down the road. I'll always be here for you. Oh and Taylor Roper is a cool cat, as well :)

My Roommate, Tessa:
So I didn't meet you here, but I thought I'd take the time to let you know I love you, and you're an awesome roommate! BFF :)))

"An Angel's Sleeping Galaxy"

Something I drew :)

New Layout Coming Soon!

Hey everyone, I've gotten quite tired of the design for my blog lately...I've had it that way over a year now...and plus I don't have that much hair anymore. In the next few days I plan to completely re-vamp the site and give it a more updated personal touch. :) Still Life Through Lenses, but a new edition (limited, if you will).

But speaking of new layouts, just about everything in my life is getting a "new layout". I'm going to COLLEGE :D /squeal. I'm moving in on Sunday, August 14th, and cannot wait. The fact that I'm going to school specifically for music really excites me. Tessa and I are going to have the cutest room ever :).

About two weeks ago, I spent some money at Barnes & Noble and invested in a Moleskine notebook...something I have coveted for years, and finally gave into buying myself one. I LOVE IT. I carry it everywhere, and with everything that has been going on lately, I have had so much inspiration that I am definitely filling this notebook with things that have needed to come out of my mind for months. I'm writing again, it feels wonderful. Poetry is coming back to me, and I feel like I'm breathing again. The oppression of writer's block is GONE.

I'm going to start a semi-private blog, the only link to it will be on a sidebar of this one, and it's going to be called "The Moleskine Output" and I'm going to put some of my writings from my dear notebook in it, but beware, it will be explicit, and it may hurt people's feelings. Hence the reason this is the only time I'll mention it.

For now, I'm off to write some more, then to bed. Thanks for putting up with my craziness, you guys all rock.

"Your life, little girl, is an empty page for somebody to write on"

"To write on"

Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is trying to run my life for me. Like I am insignificant to those who say they care about me most. What about what I want for my life?

Wouldn't my opinion count for something in that case?

I feel quite trapped, honestly.

By work, school, relationships. I feel like I escaped one kind of pressure just to jump into a whole new wave of it, when that isn't what I wanted in the least.

If blogging wasn't such a wonderful form of catharsis to me, I would just quit for awhile. I appreciate all of my followers, but sometimes I feel like I have to censor myself, when I really don't.

Point being-- I really cannot wait to get out of Cabot. Once I'm in Conway, all I need to do is eat, sleep, band...&my other classes. I'll actually probably be blogging more b/c at this point, I feel like hermit-ing just so people might let me live my own life, or lack thereof.

"I am seventeen, going on eighteen,"

I'll take care of myself.

Written a few days ago...just got around to posting it.