Call My Name if You're Afraid,

"I'm just a kiss away."

I'm so happy.

I could go on and on, but I'll save that for when I've gathered my thoughts a bit more. :)

Forgive Me, Please.

So, there's something I cannot grasp about relationships these days.

Personally, I think when you're thinking about being in a relationship or already are in a relationship with someone, you should be ready to give your whole heart to them. You should be willing to go to the ends of the Earth to be with them. Sure, dating around is cool, but when it comes down to it--what are you going to want a few years from now?

Now obviously, if you realize you're not with the right person, don't go giving your heart away to the wrong one. That's a bad idea. I've learned from many experiences.

My problem is what I just stated. I tend to put my faith into potential relationships really quickly. My hopes go soaring through the ceiling and I'm absolutely captivated by that person...and I'm ready to give my heart to them. As for my dilemma, my heart is way too big. I feel absolutely too much, I think too much, and I love too much.

I don't think these are bad things for me to do, but I certainly think they're bad things when I end up getting the short end of the stick when I put my heart and soul into something that I think could have been everything. I'm not saying I fall in love with every person I date, because that's certainly not true. If I don't feel that I can give a person my heart anymore, I let go--because that's not fair to me or them.

Here lately I've been getting the short end of the stick a LOT. It's getting tiring. Eventually someone will see what I have to offer, and embrace it, and love it. I've just got to find him. And I know, I know, that I probably won't find him soon--but for now it would be nice to just have someone's companionship and possibly affections. I do want to find Mr. Right. I want to love, and be loved in return. And that scares people. I get it. But I just can't seem to hold myself back. If I like you, I like you, and you're going to know it. All about it. Excuse me for being flat-out honest and open. I'm sorry that I can't halfway like you, and/or give you half of my heart. That's just not fair, or right, in my mind.

/ventover.

Razia's Shadow

"You can't change me, You can't have me"

I have so many dreams. SO many. I've changed my major to Theater, because music as a major has been beginning to turn music into something I hate--and I never wanted that. I know in my heart I could never hate Theater as a major, because I'm a techie. Theater has always been my job, and I've always been in love with it.

At the moment I'm listening to my favorite musical, Razia's Shadow (Thank you, Jared and Taylor for introducing me). I've always known I've wanted to work shows in Broadway, but upon listening to this musical once more, I've discovered my newest, and biggest dream.

I want to put this musical on Broadway. It won't work anywhere else, besides West End. The pit would have to be absolutely perfect, and with the help of Josh, I'll have the perfect set. The only thing left to find would be actors, and lord knows New York is chock full of them.

If you have any sort of appreciation for music, literature, and theater, buy the deluxe edition of the album on iTunes RIGHT NOW. That is $11.99 you will never regret spending. Then remember my name, because one day I will direct this masterpiece either on Broadway or West End in London. Hopefully West End.

On another note--

I'm somewhat planning a road trip to New York over spring break with a few friends of mine! All's that's left is to make sure my mother is alright with it, because with us splitting the cost, it's completely affordable. I feel like I'm being called to New York. There's this huge longing in my heart to just get there--I used to have no desire, but now that I have realized how important my relationship with the Theater is, I MUST GET THERE.

As far as expenses, I'm waitressing my way there. Come to Stromboli's and help me on my way? :P I appreciate every single tip I get and every cent my boss pays me. I really do like this new job :)

NYC, here I come.

Razia's Shadow, someday, you will be the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen.

A little something beautiful

That is all.

Dear My Never,

"This is my half-hearted Goodbye, the other half wants to still try, remembering words that you said."

Today I got over you. For good this time. I looked up at my picture mobile and saw the Polaroid of us at Waffle House on Cantrell Ave. in Little Rock--and for the first time after two months, I wasn't sad. I smiled at us. Who we used to be together. We were crazy, that's for sure.

The thing is, when I'm not strong, I think of you. I think of how you used to just look at me, even when I was trying to hide my insecurity/whatever was bothering me, and ask "What's up?" and I'd just let it out--and you understood. You were/are? the first and only? person who has ever understood me in such a way. I miss that. Like I said, I'm not sad anymore...just wistful?

"I'm not strong enough for the both of us, what was I supposed to do? You know I love you"

I miss you being my best friend, you never judged me, and always held me up when I needed you even though you never leaned on me.

I get flashbacks all the time. Especially from the day we met and the first date that followed. I'll never forget that sunset. I couldn't if I tried. I miss seeing you smile. I miss making you smile. I miss Alec and Taylor, too.

Of all things, I want to thank you. You taught me so much. Nobody else will ever sweep me off my feet the way you did, nor let me fall as hard. I crashed when you didn't catch me, broke into a million ugly pieces, and you still called me "beautiful" and did everything in your power to get me back on my feet. You are wonderful. I'm so sorry for the things I said when I was broken, You know I didn't mean it.

"But I guess we let go now

We'll be out on our own

How you always wanted this all out

But now I guess it's too late..."

It used to be that when I would say "I'll always love you" I meant that I didn't think I'd ever get over you. That you would always have my heart.

In a sense, you will always have my heart, but I am over you as in having you as a boyfriend. I'm not over my best friend. I can't lose you like that. Now when I say "I'll always love you" it is more in the sense of I want everything to work out for you. I want you to be happier than anyone else. This post was mostly inspired by the song that gave me the final closure after you told me that "It's over and we're friends :)", "Yours Truly" by Paradise Fears--I believe it expresses exactly what I need to express to you. Hence the reason I asked you to listen to it.

"But my one wish for you is that you find yourself,

don't settle for less or for anyone else.
I pray that you dream like the dreamer I know you can be."

Don't give up, Jared. I love you. Let's be best friends like we should be, kay? :)

Signed,

Yours Truly

August Rush

Oh my God.

For those of you who have seen the movie August Rush, you surely will understand this post if you know me well enough. For those of you who haven't, I urge you to go buy it. Not rent--buy. I got it at Walmart for $5.00 last night and I'm pretty sure it's the best five dollars I've ever spent.

As aforementioned, I'm a Music Major at UCA--that's about to change. I realized that being a music major is not what I need in life to do what I want to do. I've decided to change my major to Theater. There's just something about theater (Stagecraft/Tech in particular) that keeps pulling me back in, when at the moment I'm feeling like instead of Music being my escape, I've been trying to escape from it. Lessons, and Ear Training are hell. I can't stand it much longer. I've just got to stick out this semester as a Major. I'm not quitting/giving up on Music by any means...you'll see my point in more depth in a moment.

Back to August Rush. This movie is a beautiful creation on film. It is inspiring, and for me, it was absolutely heart-breaking. I had no doubts about changing my major before I saw it.

The main character is an orphan boy who is a musical prodigy (Evan/August)--he hears music everywhere. The way the film demonstrated this through picking out more particular sounds in the city (or wherever he was) and setting them to music, essentially. I hear like this all the time. I knew this film would be very touching just from the opening monologue:

"Listen. Can you hear it? The music. I can hear it everywhere. In the wind... in the air... in the light. It's all around us. All you have to do is open yourself up. All you have to do... is listen."

The thing about August is that he didn't know how to create the music he heard--and there is a scene where he gets his hands on a guitar for the first time. This scene isn't very far into the movie at all, but it was what got me started. I sobbed. The wonder in his eyes (even though he's an actor) was absolutely magical. The kind of magic I've always wanted to help kids discover.

I basically cried for the rest of the movie. It was very very personal to me. I can't explain it very eloquently.

After the movie ended, I needed to talk to someone, so I had my two friends named Josh call me :) There's Josh G--the music major, and Josh A--the theater major. The evil twins :P

Josh G and I decided to have lunch on Tuesday and talk about this in more detail, and Josh A decided to talk to me for probably two hours on the phone.

Josh A made me realize something.

"I'm not going to tell you to pick either one, or try to sway you towards the theater...but something you need to realize is that with Theater, you will never lose your music. You have so much passion for both of them, and as a Music major, you might lose Theater. Your musicianship would be perfect in the Theater. You don't have to give it up."

I'm not nearly as freaked out about changing my major anymore. He made a lot of sense to me. I will never lose my music, or my theater. Never.

When I'm older, I'm going to name my son August

Currently,

Life is insane, and beautiful as ever.

I just got back from fall break yesterday--back to the real world. Over break, I spent a lot of time with my dear friend Kimberly, got tattooed, and had tryouts for Bearly Contained Winter Guard.

I am beyond happy. I spent at least 3 hours total crying this weekend. Ask anyone I know--I don't really cry. I don't let things get to me, as much as I talk about being vulnerable and feeling things, I block sadness. That's something I'm working on--because I feel so much better after just letting it out. Like I said, beyond happy.

Hope is what I hold as the highest virtue a person can have. If you have hope, you can do anything, you can have everything: the world is your oyster. My tattoo I got over break stands for hope, as a simple explanation. "Kings and Queens" by Thirty Seconds to Mars is my favorite song, because it is a musical masterpiece, and it is my anthem of hope. Therefore, I got the "We are the kings and queens" along with an owl because I love owls--I just admire them as creatures, and the red ribbon and key symbolizes the mystery of life. You never know what's next, and you hold the key to all you can do. Cheesy, maybe, but it's something I have to remind myself quite often. The tattoo turned out beautifully. I am so happy with it.

I love my life, through the toils and joys, through everything. I wouldn't wish for anything else, or anyone else. It's not easy, but I don't want it to be. I just want to be me, because that's all I can do.