Currently,

Life is insane, and beautiful as ever.

I just got back from fall break yesterday--back to the real world. Over break, I spent a lot of time with my dear friend Kimberly, got tattooed, and had tryouts for Bearly Contained Winter Guard.

I am beyond happy. I spent at least 3 hours total crying this weekend. Ask anyone I know--I don't really cry. I don't let things get to me, as much as I talk about being vulnerable and feeling things, I block sadness. That's something I'm working on--because I feel so much better after just letting it out. Like I said, beyond happy.

Hope is what I hold as the highest virtue a person can have. If you have hope, you can do anything, you can have everything: the world is your oyster. My tattoo I got over break stands for hope, as a simple explanation. "Kings and Queens" by Thirty Seconds to Mars is my favorite song, because it is a musical masterpiece, and it is my anthem of hope. Therefore, I got the "We are the kings and queens" along with an owl because I love owls--I just admire them as creatures, and the red ribbon and key symbolizes the mystery of life. You never know what's next, and you hold the key to all you can do. Cheesy, maybe, but it's something I have to remind myself quite often. The tattoo turned out beautifully. I am so happy with it.

I love my life, through the toils and joys, through everything. I wouldn't wish for anything else, or anyone else. It's not easy, but I don't want it to be. I just want to be me, because that's all I can do.

More Tolstoy Musings

"He would go to his study, lie down, and again be alone with It: face to face with It. And nothing could be done with It except to look at it & shudder."

Something I'm learning right now in life is that we have to face things.

I've been having very vivid, symbolic, & terrifying nightmares over the past three days. After some research, I've discovered that the best interpretation of these dreams is that I am running at full speed away from a certain problem of mine.

Worry. In my dreams, I'm running from what I see as a demon or evil creature.

I run as fast as I can,

stop to catch my breath,

& there it is again.

My worry.

It has enormous claws,

& when I look down at my right arm, the five long gashes down the length of it shock me,

& remind me to run again.

The only time I stop & face it is when it comes near my friends. As soon as I step between this worry & my friends, they run, but it doesn't.

This is terrifying to me.

To be alone with worry.

To be alone with me.

I've realized I have to face It though,

& I'm working on it.

For now,

"Nothing [can] be done with It except to look at it and shudder."

Oct. 18, 2011

The Death of Ivan Ilyich

"Ivan Ilyich's life had been most simple and most ordinary, and therefore most terrible."

Tolstoy, you are a genius. This is exactly the way I see things. Thank you, World lit II.

I have chosen to be a music major, despite the fact that everyone tells me "it won't be easy".

I don't want it to be easy, or simple, OR ordinary.

Life is FAR too short for "ordinary".

The only thing that I want to be "simple" in my life will be the love between my future husband and I. And even then, I want it to be complex, frightening, and beautifully intricate in every way. But it will be simply natural for us to feel that way about one another.

I cannot think of a worse fate than for me to die and have people say, "Well, she had a good life."

I want people to say,

"Damn, she really lived"

Something very important to me are my dreams. I have my head in other galaxies, my hopes are so high. Just so you all understand the extent of this dream I have, I suppose I should tell you.

I want to create a music institute in Africa, or a country like it. I want to bring the opportunity to learn more about music, & the chance to become a musician to those who probably have never even seen a violin before.

I want to start something bigger than just myself,

I want to change the world,

& that is the only what I know how.

Disclaimer:

I KNOW IT'S CRAZY,

I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY,

& I KNOW I WILL never be rich,

or live a super comfortable life.

but

I do not care.

I am confident that I could do this & not even miss the comforts of middle-class America. If it means I change the world, even in the slightest, it will be worth it.

For me, music is hope. My rescue.
I want that hope to be reachable for everyone.

Consider this the launch of my dream, my change:

Hope Infinite: Music for everyone.

I'm ambitious, that's for sure, but definitely not in the way most people my age are. Money doesn't matter when I could change a life besides my own. When I accomplish this, not only will I be one of the happiest people on Earth, but so will TONS of kids.

Don't try to stop me now, you'll regret it when this does something you couldn't even dream of trying.

Magical

Lately I've realized a few things. A few things that I've known all along, really--I've just become more aware of them in the past few days.

Life

is absolutely

magical.

I went to Deas Vail's CD release show last night at the Rev Room (they just released their self-titled album, go get it on Amazon for $3.99!!! A total steal! It's worth SO much more). The show was something I'll never forget--one moment in particular actually. They were playing "Shoreline" (in the playlist -->) and after the song was over, Wes, the lead vocalist, kept singing a cappella. I felt like I was witnessing an inexplicably intimate moment between himself and his voice. I will never forget the way he sang then, he was just so into it that it brought me to tears. I'm still in awe. I wish everyone on Earth could have heard it the way I did.

I'm extremely inspired after this weekend. I went to the Cabot Invitational Marching Contest, and it was an absolute joy. It made me confident that I can one day coach a color-guard successfully, since I could've helped out a few of the high schools present at the contest. The marching contest was just really cool to go to--to see where I'd come from. When so much is going on up here at UCA, I tend to forget.

The same night, Andrea and I went to see the Arkansas Symphony Orchestra perform the music of John Williams with her mother and some other friends. The one moment in that concert that really struck me was when they performed the music from Schindler's List. I've never been a fan of the violin, but again--I was brought to tears by the pure musicality and musicianship displayed by the feature violinist Saturday night. It was outstanding.

Sunday was just a really great day in general--and I'm not trying to turn this post into a narrative of my life this weekend, it ties in, I assure you. All I did was laundry and hung out with my family until I headed back to UCA, where I watched Boondock Saints with Jared. Phenomenal movie, by the way, even though they shoot a cat. I highly recommend it.

Back to the point. I realized that life is absolutely magical.

Music saves me. Lately it's been feeling like a chore, since it's my major and I'm having to learn so much of the technique behind it and study so much, not to mention practicing. This weekend made me open my eyes again to how much I really love music. It is what makes me who I am, in all honesty. There's not a day I go without music, or even talking about music. It's all that I could ever need in life. I could be homeless, as long as I had a guitar or something. I'll always have my voice if all else fails.

I get absolutely...lost in the moment when I listen to music. Nothing matters. Especially when I'm performing, it's just me and my instrument (whichever one it may be). When I sing I feel absolutely free--it is my ultimate form of expression, and when it's jazz, it's even better. I cannot begin to explain the full extent of my point of view towards music. Simply put, I love it. So much. I love it like I love my family, it is the closest and best friend I have, and it will never leave me.

Never.

On the subject of friends, mine are the best. Plain and simple. First off, there's my twin, Mareena. She is amazing, and my sanity. We are absolutely hysterical when we are together, and I do miss her so. I CANNOT WAIT TO LIVE WITH HER NEXT YEAR. OH MY GOD.

Secondly, there's Jared--he's the best friend I've made at UCA, and I really can't imagine what these past few months would have been like without him, or what my life now would be like without him. We're ridiculously silly, and understand each other on such a close level. Nobody knows me like he does. Then there's Tessa, my amazing roomie and BFF. I know I've said it before, but I love her so much, she's really wonderful and somehow knows just what to say when I'm talking crazy :P. Aside from individuals, everyone else in my life is amazing. I would never wish to have never met anyone of them. Hence another reason why I'm believing in the fact that life is magical. With the people I know, and are coming to know, how could life not be? I'm blessed, really. Priveleged.

I find it funny that I've decided on the adjective "magical". For my generation, our lives really are magical--being heavily influenced by Harry Potter and all :P We are the dreamers. We are unstoppable.

I have the most exciting future ahead of me. I dare you to try and stop me. I dare you.

2:53am, and NO-ONE to talk to.

So, the title of this post pretty much says it all.

I can't sleep.

I'm home for the weekend, which is great, I'm getting to see so many people I love and my dearest feline familiar. I have missed this cat so much. But I cannot sleep--there is far too much on my mind.

I've had a great day. My classes were canceled, I did great in lessons and BMB rehearsal, and had a pleasant trip home with Tessa, AND got to hang out with Andrea and Josh (two people I hardly ever have the chance to spend quality time with anymore). It was AWESOME. But the thing is, I had a big let-down.

I'm talking to someone, as in sort-of dating. Seeing someone, I guess you could say. The thing is, there's so much going on in his life that it's stressing him out to the point that he has to find time to even text me. I stopped by Starbucks with Andrea to see him for a fe

w minutes tonight, and it was absolutely wonderful to see his face. As we were leaving, he told me he'd text me--so I was expecting to see him again tonight. I never got a text. In short--I'm really disappointed. This isn't the first time this has happened. Every moment that we actually get to spend time together is really great, there are almost no words for it. The problem is that I feel like we haven't even really started a relationship and I'm having to fight for a single moment with him. I'm beginning to give up on something that could've been everything. I hate the feeling of losing hope.

And that's where I am.

I'm starting to lose hope in the fact that not everyone is going to disappoint me. Ever since I've moved to Conway, I've met such amazing people and then *something*

goes wrong and I end up in this same spot.

I'm starting to lose hope in the thought of anyone ever wanting to marry me ever again. It's trivial, really--but I've got a feeling that I'm just going to be the old cat lady when all my friends are incandescently happy with the loves of their lives.

It's days like this that I think of Jeff. He is my hope. In all honesty, he really is. I posted this on his Facebook wall about a year and a week after he passed, and it still rings true today.

When I feel like there's no hope, I think of Jeff. For him, there was always hope. Because of him, there is always hope. I cannot wait to see him again someday. What I wouldn't give to do the Jeff dance with him again. He is my guardian angel, and what keeps me going through everything going on in my life. Words cannot describe how much he means to me, because when no-one else is there to talk to at 3 in the morning, Jeff is.

I would say I'm sorry for such an emotional (whiny?) post, but I'm really not. I do this for my own sanity. I feel tons better, and tons worse. Emotions are my prized possession and my enemy. I will never stop feeling.

On that note--I had a really deep conversation with Josh tonight just sitting in his driveway since I was feeling down. He made me re-recognize the fact that I really do lack the ability to build walls up against my emotions. People can read me like a book. Some more than others, and sometimes I need those few who really get me to tell me what's going on inside my own head. Is it crazy? Probably. Do I care anymore? No.

As a brief ending-- I'm inexplicably happy with my life, despite the current circumstances. I couldn't ask for more.

Carpe Vitam

"sleep well, my friend, there will be another moment, we'll meet again"

Mayday Parade--(their new album is superb, by the way)