A little something beautiful

That is all.

Dear My Never,

"This is my half-hearted Goodbye, the other half wants to still try, remembering words that you said."

Today I got over you. For good this time. I looked up at my picture mobile and saw the Polaroid of us at Waffle House on Cantrell Ave. in Little Rock--and for the first time after two months, I wasn't sad. I smiled at us. Who we used to be together. We were crazy, that's for sure.

The thing is, when I'm not strong, I think of you. I think of how you used to just look at me, even when I was trying to hide my insecurity/whatever was bothering me, and ask "What's up?" and I'd just let it out--and you understood. You were/are? the first and only? person who has ever understood me in such a way. I miss that. Like I said, I'm not sad anymore...just wistful?

"I'm not strong enough for the both of us, what was I supposed to do? You know I love you"

I miss you being my best friend, you never judged me, and always held me up when I needed you even though you never leaned on me.

I get flashbacks all the time. Especially from the day we met and the first date that followed. I'll never forget that sunset. I couldn't if I tried. I miss seeing you smile. I miss making you smile. I miss Alec and Taylor, too.

Of all things, I want to thank you. You taught me so much. Nobody else will ever sweep me off my feet the way you did, nor let me fall as hard. I crashed when you didn't catch me, broke into a million ugly pieces, and you still called me "beautiful" and did everything in your power to get me back on my feet. You are wonderful. I'm so sorry for the things I said when I was broken, You know I didn't mean it.

"But I guess we let go now

We'll be out on our own

How you always wanted this all out

But now I guess it's too late..."

It used to be that when I would say "I'll always love you" I meant that I didn't think I'd ever get over you. That you would always have my heart.

In a sense, you will always have my heart, but I am over you as in having you as a boyfriend. I'm not over my best friend. I can't lose you like that. Now when I say "I'll always love you" it is more in the sense of I want everything to work out for you. I want you to be happier than anyone else. This post was mostly inspired by the song that gave me the final closure after you told me that "It's over and we're friends :)", "Yours Truly" by Paradise Fears--I believe it expresses exactly what I need to express to you. Hence the reason I asked you to listen to it.

"But my one wish for you is that you find yourself,

don't settle for less or for anyone else.
I pray that you dream like the dreamer I know you can be."

Don't give up, Jared. I love you. Let's be best friends like we should be, kay? :)

Signed,

Yours Truly

August Rush

Oh my God.

For those of you who have seen the movie August Rush, you surely will understand this post if you know me well enough. For those of you who haven't, I urge you to go buy it. Not rent--buy. I got it at Walmart for $5.00 last night and I'm pretty sure it's the best five dollars I've ever spent.

As aforementioned, I'm a Music Major at UCA--that's about to change. I realized that being a music major is not what I need in life to do what I want to do. I've decided to change my major to Theater. There's just something about theater (Stagecraft/Tech in particular) that keeps pulling me back in, when at the moment I'm feeling like instead of Music being my escape, I've been trying to escape from it. Lessons, and Ear Training are hell. I can't stand it much longer. I've just got to stick out this semester as a Major. I'm not quitting/giving up on Music by any means...you'll see my point in more depth in a moment.

Back to August Rush. This movie is a beautiful creation on film. It is inspiring, and for me, it was absolutely heart-breaking. I had no doubts about changing my major before I saw it.

The main character is an orphan boy who is a musical prodigy (Evan/August)--he hears music everywhere. The way the film demonstrated this through picking out more particular sounds in the city (or wherever he was) and setting them to music, essentially. I hear like this all the time. I knew this film would be very touching just from the opening monologue:

"Listen. Can you hear it? The music. I can hear it everywhere. In the wind... in the air... in the light. It's all around us. All you have to do is open yourself up. All you have to do... is listen."

The thing about August is that he didn't know how to create the music he heard--and there is a scene where he gets his hands on a guitar for the first time. This scene isn't very far into the movie at all, but it was what got me started. I sobbed. The wonder in his eyes (even though he's an actor) was absolutely magical. The kind of magic I've always wanted to help kids discover.

I basically cried for the rest of the movie. It was very very personal to me. I can't explain it very eloquently.

After the movie ended, I needed to talk to someone, so I had my two friends named Josh call me :) There's Josh G--the music major, and Josh A--the theater major. The evil twins :P

Josh G and I decided to have lunch on Tuesday and talk about this in more detail, and Josh A decided to talk to me for probably two hours on the phone.

Josh A made me realize something.

"I'm not going to tell you to pick either one, or try to sway you towards the theater...but something you need to realize is that with Theater, you will never lose your music. You have so much passion for both of them, and as a Music major, you might lose Theater. Your musicianship would be perfect in the Theater. You don't have to give it up."

I'm not nearly as freaked out about changing my major anymore. He made a lot of sense to me. I will never lose my music, or my theater. Never.

When I'm older, I'm going to name my son August

Currently,

Life is insane, and beautiful as ever.

I just got back from fall break yesterday--back to the real world. Over break, I spent a lot of time with my dear friend Kimberly, got tattooed, and had tryouts for Bearly Contained Winter Guard.

I am beyond happy. I spent at least 3 hours total crying this weekend. Ask anyone I know--I don't really cry. I don't let things get to me, as much as I talk about being vulnerable and feeling things, I block sadness. That's something I'm working on--because I feel so much better after just letting it out. Like I said, beyond happy.

Hope is what I hold as the highest virtue a person can have. If you have hope, you can do anything, you can have everything: the world is your oyster. My tattoo I got over break stands for hope, as a simple explanation. "Kings and Queens" by Thirty Seconds to Mars is my favorite song, because it is a musical masterpiece, and it is my anthem of hope. Therefore, I got the "We are the kings and queens" along with an owl because I love owls--I just admire them as creatures, and the red ribbon and key symbolizes the mystery of life. You never know what's next, and you hold the key to all you can do. Cheesy, maybe, but it's something I have to remind myself quite often. The tattoo turned out beautifully. I am so happy with it.

I love my life, through the toils and joys, through everything. I wouldn't wish for anything else, or anyone else. It's not easy, but I don't want it to be. I just want to be me, because that's all I can do.

More Tolstoy Musings

"He would go to his study, lie down, and again be alone with It: face to face with It. And nothing could be done with It except to look at it & shudder."

Something I'm learning right now in life is that we have to face things.

I've been having very vivid, symbolic, & terrifying nightmares over the past three days. After some research, I've discovered that the best interpretation of these dreams is that I am running at full speed away from a certain problem of mine.

Worry. In my dreams, I'm running from what I see as a demon or evil creature.

I run as fast as I can,

stop to catch my breath,

& there it is again.

My worry.

It has enormous claws,

& when I look down at my right arm, the five long gashes down the length of it shock me,

& remind me to run again.

The only time I stop & face it is when it comes near my friends. As soon as I step between this worry & my friends, they run, but it doesn't.

This is terrifying to me.

To be alone with worry.

To be alone with me.

I've realized I have to face It though,

& I'm working on it.

For now,

"Nothing [can] be done with It except to look at it and shudder."

Oct. 18, 2011

The Death of Ivan Ilyich

"Ivan Ilyich's life had been most simple and most ordinary, and therefore most terrible."

Tolstoy, you are a genius. This is exactly the way I see things. Thank you, World lit II.

I have chosen to be a music major, despite the fact that everyone tells me "it won't be easy".

I don't want it to be easy, or simple, OR ordinary.

Life is FAR too short for "ordinary".

The only thing that I want to be "simple" in my life will be the love between my future husband and I. And even then, I want it to be complex, frightening, and beautifully intricate in every way. But it will be simply natural for us to feel that way about one another.

I cannot think of a worse fate than for me to die and have people say, "Well, she had a good life."

I want people to say,

"Damn, she really lived"

Something very important to me are my dreams. I have my head in other galaxies, my hopes are so high. Just so you all understand the extent of this dream I have, I suppose I should tell you.

I want to create a music institute in Africa, or a country like it. I want to bring the opportunity to learn more about music, & the chance to become a musician to those who probably have never even seen a violin before.

I want to start something bigger than just myself,

I want to change the world,

& that is the only what I know how.

Disclaimer:

I KNOW IT'S CRAZY,

I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY,

& I KNOW I WILL never be rich,

or live a super comfortable life.

but

I do not care.

I am confident that I could do this & not even miss the comforts of middle-class America. If it means I change the world, even in the slightest, it will be worth it.

For me, music is hope. My rescue.
I want that hope to be reachable for everyone.

Consider this the launch of my dream, my change:

Hope Infinite: Music for everyone.

I'm ambitious, that's for sure, but definitely not in the way most people my age are. Money doesn't matter when I could change a life besides my own. When I accomplish this, not only will I be one of the happiest people on Earth, but so will TONS of kids.

Don't try to stop me now, you'll regret it when this does something you couldn't even dream of trying.

Magical

Lately I've realized a few things. A few things that I've known all along, really--I've just become more aware of them in the past few days.

Life

is absolutely

magical.

I went to Deas Vail's CD release show last night at the Rev Room (they just released their self-titled album, go get it on Amazon for $3.99!!! A total steal! It's worth SO much more). The show was something I'll never forget--one moment in particular actually. They were playing "Shoreline" (in the playlist -->) and after the song was over, Wes, the lead vocalist, kept singing a cappella. I felt like I was witnessing an inexplicably intimate moment between himself and his voice. I will never forget the way he sang then, he was just so into it that it brought me to tears. I'm still in awe. I wish everyone on Earth could have heard it the way I did.

I'm extremely inspired after this weekend. I went to the Cabot Invitational Marching Contest, and it was an absolute joy. It made me confident that I can one day coach a color-guard successfully, since I could've helped out a few of the high schools present at the contest. The marching contest was just really cool to go to--to see where I'd come from. When so much is going on up here at UCA, I tend to forget.

The same night, Andrea and I went to see the Arkansas Symphony Orchestra perform the music of John Williams with her mother and some other friends. The one moment in that concert that really struck me was when they performed the music from Schindler's List. I've never been a fan of the violin, but again--I was brought to tears by the pure musicality and musicianship displayed by the feature violinist Saturday night. It was outstanding.

Sunday was just a really great day in general--and I'm not trying to turn this post into a narrative of my life this weekend, it ties in, I assure you. All I did was laundry and hung out with my family until I headed back to UCA, where I watched Boondock Saints with Jared. Phenomenal movie, by the way, even though they shoot a cat. I highly recommend it.

Back to the point. I realized that life is absolutely magical.

Music saves me. Lately it's been feeling like a chore, since it's my major and I'm having to learn so much of the technique behind it and study so much, not to mention practicing. This weekend made me open my eyes again to how much I really love music. It is what makes me who I am, in all honesty. There's not a day I go without music, or even talking about music. It's all that I could ever need in life. I could be homeless, as long as I had a guitar or something. I'll always have my voice if all else fails.

I get absolutely...lost in the moment when I listen to music. Nothing matters. Especially when I'm performing, it's just me and my instrument (whichever one it may be). When I sing I feel absolutely free--it is my ultimate form of expression, and when it's jazz, it's even better. I cannot begin to explain the full extent of my point of view towards music. Simply put, I love it. So much. I love it like I love my family, it is the closest and best friend I have, and it will never leave me.

Never.

On the subject of friends, mine are the best. Plain and simple. First off, there's my twin, Mareena. She is amazing, and my sanity. We are absolutely hysterical when we are together, and I do miss her so. I CANNOT WAIT TO LIVE WITH HER NEXT YEAR. OH MY GOD.

Secondly, there's Jared--he's the best friend I've made at UCA, and I really can't imagine what these past few months would have been like without him, or what my life now would be like without him. We're ridiculously silly, and understand each other on such a close level. Nobody knows me like he does. Then there's Tessa, my amazing roomie and BFF. I know I've said it before, but I love her so much, she's really wonderful and somehow knows just what to say when I'm talking crazy :P. Aside from individuals, everyone else in my life is amazing. I would never wish to have never met anyone of them. Hence another reason why I'm believing in the fact that life is magical. With the people I know, and are coming to know, how could life not be? I'm blessed, really. Priveleged.

I find it funny that I've decided on the adjective "magical". For my generation, our lives really are magical--being heavily influenced by Harry Potter and all :P We are the dreamers. We are unstoppable.

I have the most exciting future ahead of me. I dare you to try and stop me. I dare you.