2:53am, and NO-ONE to talk to.

So, the title of this post pretty much says it all.

I can't sleep.

I'm home for the weekend, which is great, I'm getting to see so many people I love and my dearest feline familiar. I have missed this cat so much. But I cannot sleep--there is far too much on my mind.

I've had a great day. My classes were canceled, I did great in lessons and BMB rehearsal, and had a pleasant trip home with Tessa, AND got to hang out with Andrea and Josh (two people I hardly ever have the chance to spend quality time with anymore). It was AWESOME. But the thing is, I had a big let-down.

I'm talking to someone, as in sort-of dating. Seeing someone, I guess you could say. The thing is, there's so much going on in his life that it's stressing him out to the point that he has to find time to even text me. I stopped by Starbucks with Andrea to see him for a fe

w minutes tonight, and it was absolutely wonderful to see his face. As we were leaving, he told me he'd text me--so I was expecting to see him again tonight. I never got a text. In short--I'm really disappointed. This isn't the first time this has happened. Every moment that we actually get to spend time together is really great, there are almost no words for it. The problem is that I feel like we haven't even really started a relationship and I'm having to fight for a single moment with him. I'm beginning to give up on something that could've been everything. I hate the feeling of losing hope.

And that's where I am.

I'm starting to lose hope in the fact that not everyone is going to disappoint me. Ever since I've moved to Conway, I've met such amazing people and then *something*

goes wrong and I end up in this same spot.

I'm starting to lose hope in the thought of anyone ever wanting to marry me ever again. It's trivial, really--but I've got a feeling that I'm just going to be the old cat lady when all my friends are incandescently happy with the loves of their lives.

It's days like this that I think of Jeff. He is my hope. In all honesty, he really is. I posted this on his Facebook wall about a year and a week after he passed, and it still rings true today.

When I feel like there's no hope, I think of Jeff. For him, there was always hope. Because of him, there is always hope. I cannot wait to see him again someday. What I wouldn't give to do the Jeff dance with him again. He is my guardian angel, and what keeps me going through everything going on in my life. Words cannot describe how much he means to me, because when no-one else is there to talk to at 3 in the morning, Jeff is.

I would say I'm sorry for such an emotional (whiny?) post, but I'm really not. I do this for my own sanity. I feel tons better, and tons worse. Emotions are my prized possession and my enemy. I will never stop feeling.

On that note--I had a really deep conversation with Josh tonight just sitting in his driveway since I was feeling down. He made me re-recognize the fact that I really do lack the ability to build walls up against my emotions. People can read me like a book. Some more than others, and sometimes I need those few who really get me to tell me what's going on inside my own head. Is it crazy? Probably. Do I care anymore? No.

As a brief ending-- I'm inexplicably happy with my life, despite the current circumstances. I couldn't ask for more.

Carpe Vitam

"sleep well, my friend, there will be another moment, we'll meet again"

Mayday Parade--(their new album is superb, by the way)