Mountains.

I just want to climb.

to the highest point possible.

I want to race over rocks and defy gravity and certain death.

Trouble is,

I can't do it myself.

I want

to escape.

I'm feeling vulnerable. It's horrible. I'm worrying about trivial and worthless things, but I can't help myself. It's my nature to worry. Once I'm over one thing, another pops up almost instantly.

I'm so worried about being left behind right now. I'm happy, my friends are happy, and I just feel like we're all going in separate directions--because we are. It's kind of scary. Even those who are going with me, I feel like I'm getting left on the back burner. I'm being selfish. I'm not the center of the universe. "Shut up, Sam. Inner turmoil is normal for you. Just shut up."

Is it wrong for me to worry that my friends don't actually care if I'm around or not? That's always been a big worry of mine. Then I just say, "Shut up

, Sam. Of course they care." What the hell do I know if they do or not?

Because they're honest, and I'm just delusional, and insecure, and just need to

Shut up.

I've got it all, so what is wrong with me?

On a lighter note, I got my first tattoo Saturday, and I'm really proud of it :)

3 songs, and one idea.

Today I was kind of down at points.

I went from this to this and then the one at the end of this post. It's pretty important you listen to these or it won't make much sense.

It really made me think. I was at work when I started feeling down. That's when "When I'm gone" popped into my head, and it really hit home. Thankfully I was on break, so I wasn't having to deal with customers while battling my own emotions. I was really angry, because I was sad. I was ANGRY at myself for being sad. And I just realized how sad that was. I'm usually one to embrace emotions, but lately I've caught myself doing that a lot.

My literal words to Jake were:

"Damn Emotions."

If you know me, that's not like me at all. I am the friend who will tell you to cry your eyes out when you are sad, then talk to me. I try not to bottle things up, and apparently that's been a problem lately (refer to previous post). I'm fixing it.

Then thoughts about the past, and what's going on in my life right now triggered the Taylor Swift stuff. Glad that phase went by quickly, but I still feel it a bit.

But the idea I came upon just happened a few minutes ago. I was just sitting on my bed deciding if I wanted to sleep or not when I realized I could feel my heartbeat in my leg.

What if someone lost their sense of touch?

What would it be like to never literally feel something with your hands, on your skin?

I'm sure there is some sort of weird nerve condition, and such a thing could cause paralysis, but what if you could still move and function, but never feel the texture or density of something in your hand?

You wouldn't know what tangible was...which is a reason a lot of people don't have faith in God, or anything religious for that matter--because they can't feel it. They cannot hold it, touch it, with their hands...so it's not real?

So what if they had this weird condition where nothing was tangible? Would they not believe their best friend was real? You can see pictures of god, but not touch him either, which is what it would be like with your best friend, too.

What if with this condition, you wouldn't know if you were hot or cold? You wouldn't feel the wind, so how would you know it was there? Seeing it blow people's hair around? Trees? but you'd never really KNOW, now would you?

That's my deal. We don't know how to feel anymore, as a human race. Like I said in the previous post, many teenage girls bottle things up--but it's not just teenage girls. It's all of us.

Humans don't like emotions. We don't like to be vulnerable. That's sad, because we don't like to be vulnerable because we are sure we'll be taken advantage of or looked down upon. Do we really treat each other that terribly?

Do we really judge people for being more vulnerable and weaker than others?

Yes.

But since I'm tired, here's my final challenge for tonight:

Be vulnerable.

I won't judge you.

Encourage others to be vulnerable.

Do your best not to judge them.

Let somebody rescue you.

I Just Need You Now

I have a really bad habit.

A few, actually.

One being holding things in--bottling up my feelings. I'm pretty sure all teenage girls do that though. Eventually I'll be better at expressing my feelings without sounding like a total you know what.

The other being not letting on how much something bothers me.

"Katie, don't cry, I know you're trying your hardest"

Today I got my feelings hurt. It was one of those things that I understand now, but it still bothers me that it hurt me as much as it did. I was really upset. Tears and all. I didn't react to it in the best way. I was really angry and after the person apologized I just said they were forgiven and that I wasn't mad anymore. Truth is, I'm still kind of mad. I'm a lot better, but there's just the fact that it happened that is bothering me now. I really can't stay super angry at one person, especially not that person. Besfrans, and all.

Besides that I had a really good day, me and Tessa went to the mall, I got a new lens for my Canon, and I would call it a very successful trip :) I plan on buying a bicycle tomorrow, I hope someone will ride bikes with me!

Also, I'm starting from scratch and re-building my iTunes library on my new laptop, so if you have any suggestions please post in a comment. much thanks.

Hey cool

I'm a slacker x)

I feel really horrible about not blogging for almost a month--again.

Alot has been going on, though! Most recently, I graduated High School! :) Exciting stuff, really.

I am overjoyed that I will never have to attend class at Cabot High School again. I will really miss the band and jazz band though. They made it all worth it. Stagecraft, too.

Although all this great stuff has been going on in my life, and I am extremely grateful, don't get me wrong--I am so stressed that it is unreal. I really just don't want to have obligations right now. Freedom is a very strange concept. I'm free from school...until the fall (which I'm excited about), but i'm not free from work or plans plans plans. Hoy.

Now that I'm out though, I do plan on blogging more since I got a new laptop and it's much easier to get up and running when I need it to. Desktop=dinosaur.

I should go to sleep, night followers :) Sorry it's been so long.

Happy 100th, Blog of Mine!

I am SO EXCITED.

This is officially my one-hundredth post!

Time for a Centennial Celebration!

[in order to make up for not blogging for nearly a month x)]

Explaining myself:

I've been extremely busy. As soon as April started, every single weekend has been booked up solid for me, the first being my first meeting with Arkansas Ambassadors of Music for my Europe trip this summer, the second being A Very Potter Musical Marathon with Jess and Chelsea, the third being none other than UCA Guard tryouts and prom, and this-coming being Easter and all. Explanations for my explanations shall follow :)

I've decided this post is going to basically showcase all the things my blog has developed into over these 100 posts. Perspective, Fashion, Music, and just Life in general. Hope you all enjoy :)

First off, FASHION!

Spring is finally here! That means I get to wear alot more of my cute clothes, and bore you all/show them off ;)

mountain-climbing

shirt:$14. shorts:$13. boots:mom's. hat:$5. hair:me:)

schooliegirlie

dress: American Eagle-$20. belt: Rue21-$5. necklace: Grandma's Collectibles-$3. cardigan: JCPenney-$idk. shades: Romancing the Stone-$10. flip-flops:idunno. toes: Yours Truly :)

I've realized pretty much over the past year that my interest in fashion has peaked. I simply love looking cute, and I try to make everything I wear simply look like something I would wear instead of just what the mannequin was wearing. I love looking like, well, me :) My fashion sense has grown tremendously, and I'm still learning alot about it. College will be AWESOME. No dress-code to abide by? Please! :D

Life in general:because I have to ramble somewhere.

As I said, I've been super busy. But in a nutshell, my senior year could not be going better.

The AAM meeting for Europe was really exciting, I met a few people I'm going overseas with and for the first time the trip seems like more than a pipe dream. I'm actually GOING in less than two months! Also, I'm sitting 2nd chair in the band, which is exciting since I don't have the motivation to challenge my way up at home x)

A Very Potter Musical--if I'm correct, I have never mentioned this in my blog until now. If you are a hard-core Harry Potter fan as am I, look it up on youtube, and watch it. You will fall in love. I have solved your loneliness, isn't that nice? At our marathon we made BUTTERBEER! (because Paula Higginbotham is the freaking BOMB and gave me the recipe).

UCA Color Guard Auditions--SUPERFUN first off, and secondly, I MADE IT! That's always a plus :)

Prom--Lovely time :) Pictures on the facebook. Definitely how I wanted my Senior Prom to go.

MUSIC --Life not in general.

I have been enjoying band so much lately. I know for sure that when I get to UCA I will pretty much just be in heaven. I was born to be a music major, for sure.

Lately, I've been obsessed with this song. linkylinky! x) Mostly because it's so accurate to Jake and I and our relationship that it's scary, but also because I freakin' love Disney, and Tangled did not dissappoint me at all. I am in love with it. It is us.

I AM IN LOVE WITH A MAN. His name is Darren Criss. Furthermore--I'm in love with his music. He sings my name. No, really. Though he is on Glee now, and that is fantastic, his solo album, "Human", is absolutely outstanding. He is so talented, and his music is just like--perfect. He is going in my closet at UCA. Tessa gets Josh Groban, ferrealz.

A dose of perspective:into the rabbit-hole.

I can't really do "doses" of perspective, honestly. I thought I'd try, but I realized my best posts are when I am inspired--not when I just blog to have something published, if you know what I mean. I'm sure there will be a glimpse into my conscience here soon, though.

SO--I hope you guys liked this :) I am pretty proud of myself for keeping up with my blog as well as I have, even though in the present case, I haven't. whatever. I made it to 100 x)

Also! I GOT MY CANON. It is mine :) Finally.

A Dream I Had Once

CHS Auditorium--on stage--in a crowd. I saw you, out of a sea of empty faces I saw your cliched face in the cliched crowd. You were trying to get to me, and I you.

Somehow, they always kept us apart, but,

suddenly:

They were gone.

I stood across that stage from you, I didn't say a word.

We met in the middle, and strolled out of the doors of the scene shop towards the parking lot.

Meaningless conversation. Holding hands. Happy.

We met your car--and it really wasn't your car, but I knew it to be your car in the dream. It looked nothing like your actual car.

Goodbye was upon us.

Temporary, yet permanently at the same time.

You were a living oxymoron.

Never quite within my grasp, but close enough to know my heart.

You touched my face, and said,

"Because I can't make you happy anymore,"

and blew away like cliched sand in a cliched wind.

I loved you then.

The Jig is Up!

I wish I heard this on the radio. For real.

SPRING BREAK!

So yesterday I got back home from Memphis, I left last Friday with Tessa. We had a freaking blast, out in the country with my Grandparents, the horses, and the geese. Tessa rode a horse for the first time--and had a horse fall on her for the first time. x) She's fine, don't worry. In short--I really wish I could stay there forever. I love Camp Papaw. Well, Granddaddy in my case.

I fell in love with horses all over again. It's been way too long. Also, Tessa and I made friends with the geese--we named them Henry and Georgina. They return to the ranch every year, and they are the sweetest little goose couplet ever. I hope I'm that happy with my husband when I'm a silly old goose. The way they waddle around on the ground is so adorable. I cannot even explain. It was so cute...then they started hissing.

So I'm home for the remainder of spring break now. I'm pumped up for april, because every single weekend is going to ROCK! :D You'll hear more about that later.

I went to Pinnacle mountain with Michael Godsey (Brother Godsey), and had a really great time. My feet are now blistered, but it was so worth it. We went to Panera Bread afterwards, a first for both of us, and it definitely won't be the last time! That place is D-licious.

Tomorrow, I'm going to do a really in-depth post. Stuff that's been on my mind a long time now.