This is how I feel today.

Except I only WISH I could play like that. Much less sing at the same time.

Muse=love.

I had a bad day.
The highlight of my day was freaking out with Tori while walking to lunch because we were afraid of Danny's umbrella flipping inside out and kicking us in the face in the process. It was pretty funny. x)

I cannot wait to get paid. I hate feeling flat broke, when in truth I'm really not. I just can't spend any of my money. OH the joys of saving accounts.
It'll be worth it when I have lots of money in Europe AND my Canon :3
Saturday, please come sooner.

OH MY GOD.

TOMORROW IS SENIOR SUIT DAY, AND I AM PUMPED.

Pictures to come :)

Oldddd

That's how I feel.

I wore my Britney Spears T-shirt I got in 2000 today, that was 10 years ago. I was seven. God, where does the time go?

It seems like yesterday I was at Girl Scouts Camp, crossing the bridge of friendship. Good lord. Where does imagination like that go?

Where did childhood go?
People say that they are "kids at heart", but really, nobody is. Yes, I realize this is very pessimistic. But do you not realize it is true?
We're just holding onto the best of our lives by saying that. Nobody dreams like a child does. Guaranteed, we try. Or at least I do.
I wish I still could go and build blanket forts and make up clubs and not feel silly about it. I wish I didn't have to have a reason.
I wish, I wish, I wish...and what good comes out of wishing?
How about I just act like a kid when I want to and nobody worry me about it? Okay? Yeah.
No. Society gets in the way there.

When did childhood leave?
I'm sure it's not at the same time for everyone. I mean, I still think I'm a kid. A teenager, but I'm not an adult. I'm not ready to support other people. I just realized today that I got my stupid Britney Spears T-shirt TEN YEARS AGO.
It feels absurd to say that.
I guess it's a coming-of-age thing.

Why do I have so many questions?
Ask anyone who knows me, I don't take things as they are. I'm always asking, "Why?", and more often than not, it gets me into trouble (Ask my mother).
I've always heard that coffee stunts your growth, but today I refused to believe it. Jess could not get me to accept it. I decided that I'm going to ask Mrs. Tharp in the morning, since she would probably know about the chemical that would do that sort of thing. She is one smart lady.
But really, Why didn't I have an argument against that until now?

Because I was a kid, and I believed in everything.

Wasn't that wonderful?
I miss it. I miss my brother.
In truth, I don't remember much of my childhood at my mother's house. I remember my room, and movies I watched, and our pets, but I have no idea what I did all day before we moved into our own house...and I still don't remember much about that. The golden days of my youth (as if it's over, HAH!) were in the sand-pit in Ward, AR at my dad's house, where I used to hate going in the summers. Yet now I realize, I loved it, as much as I resisted it, I loved it. Because I miss it more than anything, especially now that the subdivision is expanding into my beloved mind's play-ground.

I'm not trying to be cynical. This is just kind of a stream-of-consciousness, thing. Typing as words come to mind, yaknow? Tomato.

I adore jazz. gah. Does that make me old, too?
I'm not even 18. I prefer records to mp3's any day, film to digital, and clothing from past decades and even centuries as opposed to $100 buckle jeans or $50 t-shirts from abercrombie.

I'm so weird.

I don't know

If you'll ever read this, but I don't really care. (okay, yeah, I do. I wouldn't be writing it if I didn't)

Here goes.

I'm really sad.
I'm sad because its been five or six years since I've known the same you that I knew since I was a child. It's been at least three since we've spoken like we were family.
I am ashamed of you. I'm not going to lie.
Yet, you are probably the biggest inspiration in my life. An inspiration motivated by disgust.
I will never be like you, even though I wake up to your face in the mirror every day.
I won't drop out of high school.
I won't leave my kids (when I have them).
I will succeed,
and I will be better than you.
I just want to know if you care, at all.
If the little girl you left behind from your past means anything of significance to you.
I don't care how you feel about me, but I want to know that you do feel. That I'm not invisible.
That the little girl you have now isn't ever going to replace me.
Your first daughter.
Your mistake.
Yeah.
Me.
The one who's going to change the world, instead of screwing someone elses' up.

I don't hate you.
Nobody else could ever understand the way I feel about you. Nobody. No matter what they say, they will not understand. I may seem cold-hearted and just mean, but I have my reasons.
I don't hate you.
You wanna know how much it sucks to know that as much as I want my Daddy to walk me down the aisle someday, I'll never be able to forgive you enough to be able to ask you that?
Sorry, you don't get to know.
You probably will hear about me getting married when your mother tells you.

Graduation's coming up, hope you're proud. I hope you regret not sticking around.
I hope you understand that I'm not angry at you for what you did to me, but for what you did/are doing to my little brother.
So far, I've turned out okay. I'm sure he will too, but I hate seeing him going through what I did. DO you know how strong I was for him? Do you know how much of my childhood I feel like you took away?
No, you really don't. You won't. My thoughts, my feelings. Oh well.

Let me stress again that I do not hate you.
I hate what you did.
You've apologized, I've forgiven you, it's not like my life sucks because of it, but I don't enjoy having that one little thing missing. There's a dad-shaped hole in my heart. It's a cliche, but it's true.

On one last note, I hope you're a better father to the new little precious girl than you were to me. I hope she can still call you Daddy when she's sixteen.

If you care at all, call me or email me or something. No, don't call me. That's a bad idea. Email me. If you even read this. whatever. gah.

Cheers, Dad.

P.S: Kimble is doing a great job, don't you ever think he isn't better than you because I assure you, he is.

--

Okay, to those who don't know what went down with my dad, don't ask. If it's important enough I'll tell you on my own accord. This was for my benefit, sorry if it offended anyone.

Also, I added "Innocent" by Taylor Swift to the playlist...I suppose it fits this post pretty well.

"Who you are is not what you did"

I love it

When I have an AWESOME day, even though it was pretty average on a scale of eventfulness.

This morning, it was insanely cold and I was mostly ticked off at the world. It got better during Band rehearsal, because I'm ALWAYS happy in band :D

Then in 3rd period (My service learning for Mrs. Tharp) I got to help Mrs. Tharp pick out gifts for the custodians for Earth Day and came up for a new thing in Ecology club! I'm super pumped!

Thennnnn in German we got to watch a video about Rothenburg (and other cities on the Romantische Strasse) where I'll be stopping on my Europe tour this summer.

THENNNNNNNNNNN in Jazz Band the saxes were absolutely beastly on our new tunes. It was quite satisfactory. :)

THENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN I got home to a package from the best boyfriend EVER. Inside was a cup. Not just any cup, but a cup that is nearly an exact replica of a DSLR lens. When I discovered it was actually a cup, not a very lightweight lens, I laughed. ALOT. There was also some film for my polaroid and a tiny dinosaur :D ! Made my day :)

Oh hai, Jake, I love you.

Then I went to work, and it didn't suck too bad, which is always good. MONEHHH!

Alright, I oughta get some sleep now. Swimming laps with Tessa, Logan, Meagen, and Rena tomorrow night! Super excited!

I'm sick.

Senioritis.

Yeah, it's here, bigtime. Oh well, I can make it through my last semester as a High School student, I think.

Good News! My little sister is going to be born any day now :) I'm so excited.

Epiphany! Jazz Music is my favorite in the whole world. If I had a theme song, it would be something swingy or funky. I feel like it embodies my personality. Snazzy, Classy, and FUN. We got a few new tunes in jazz band Monday and I am lovin' all of them. Especially our new legitimate funk tune, Slingshot. So much fun(k) =D Also, I've decided that I've got a new album to hunt for on vinyl. Anything Benny Goodman. So if any of you happen upon one, let me know! I'll love you FOREVER.

I need a new LBD (Little Black Dress). For Branson, of course, with Jazz band. I don't want to wear the same one again. haha

I really don't have much to blog about today, nothing profound has struck me. I'm sorry :/

I lied.

I'm reading Armageddon in Retrospect by the amazing Kurt Vonnegut Jr. right now, and it's a compilation of 12 of his writings on war. I'm about halfway through, and I just read one today titled The Unicorn Trap. It is probably one of my most favorite pieces of literature now, certainly my favorite so far in the book. Everyone should read it.

God we're cool.

No lie. This was the most fun I've had in awhile. :)

I made the backdrop with bedsheets and taped them to my bathroom walls. bathtubs are awesome.

We used acrylic paint and painted each other, there was no self-painting involved. hahaha.

Anyway there's more pictures on my personal facebook, so add me if you don't know me already :P

Samantha L Weldon

I feel inspired.

Andrea is coming over with paint, and I sense a photoshoot in the near future.
Another post to come, I'm sure.